117 Psalms

It is a particularly small psalm.

For great is his love toward us

Those words are so beautiful and sweet to the ear.  And the grace to know these words is a wonderful gift.  One we do not always receive.

It seems like a good prayer – give us the grace to know how great your love is toward us.  Amen.

110 Days

Well it was good while it lasted, right?  *sigh*

Is it best to just embrace it?  Ride the waves instead of fighting against them.  Fighting is of little to no value anyway.  It is particularly difficult today because it has been some time since the pain has lasted this long.  It began Saturday.  The fault is mine but it was not intentional (not that it matters much).  Sunday I was able to subdue it, mostly.

Today not so much.

Now I sit in my office listening to Portishead.  With words written on actual paper.  I dream of a person that wants to talk about something deep.  The Moral Landscape would be a good topic given I’m reading that book now but any topic of greater depth than the weather would be acceptable.  I suppose that is not easy to come by.  Polite conversation and all.  It is like slow starvation.

There is a conference call in about an hour.  I’m on the agenda.  I suppose that means speaking.

It seems like a cruel joke.  I have a great selection that I want to post tomorrow and the quote itself isn’t as amazing as a few others I have highlighted lately but my snide comment amuses me greatly.  This of course means I cannot post it.  To many misinterpretations of words.

I have attempted to recall a point where I counted that high.  I just cannot say.  It seems unlikely because of my counting system.  I remember I could count like clockwork when contact would occur.  Always less than 7 days.  Then we went to 8 days.  It was quite a wonder.  It never exceeded 12 days – at least to my recollection.  It would be interesting to count another contact but I did not find value (fun) in it.

Last week I had an interesting question about women preachers.  I told the person if they were not willing to submit to God’s Word when they found the answer, it was pointless to ask the question.  They responded of course but only the one time.  Once scripture began to be discussed, the correspondence ended.  Honestly, I expected it.  They know the answer.  It is like the one thing in all our lives where we know and do not “accept” it.

Every Thought

So often it feels like every thought in my mind is fighting against me.  Every one of them.

Take every thought captive, it says.  Make it obey Christ, it says.

I wake up with the thoughts swirling in my mind.  One after another.  Last night on my knees in prayer.  Expectant prayer.  Knowing I cannot do anything without Him.  My identity is in Him and still I fight.  This morning I wrote words about running away.  Where could I run from myself?  From my own mind?  Distractions during the day help but not enough.  Always in prayer.  Till the night comes and I ask for just enough peace to rest my weary mind.  Trusting in Him yet again for whatever I receive.

Waking up for no reason and again surrendering the thoughts to Him.  How often I surrender this way is upon Him.

I know when this battle really began, when He saved me.  It was slow at first but has grown over the years.  I have thought my mind was decently organized, not of my own doing but by His grace alone.  Yet it is far from where it needs to be.  Every thought captive.  At some point in the past (I’ll share my time thought pattern later if time permits), I realized that I could give up these thoughts to Him.  “Lord, this thought is not fitting a man of God, I cannot escape it, You must take it.”  Pride is the biggest one but desires of the heart is there too.  Along with many others.  I could be on my knees all day surrendering thoughts to Him.  And still they come.  Relentlessly.

Today, once again.  Here we go…

Time thought pattern – I was white boarding recently and I realized that when I store memories, I store them without reference to time (for the most part).  It is very interesting as I look upon the memories in this way.  So much in the past was as if it occurred only moments ago.  I attempt not to store great detail but that is not easy.  Data input is significant and the mind takes in much more than we could ever realize.  Yes, there is more but I do not want to write much longer.

We seek small victories today.  Victories in the Lord.  In Him Alone.  Knowing that He takes every thought captive for us.  He helps us each step of the way to manage all that we are so that we can serve Him with every fiber of our being.

Words She Wrote

I saw a draft post just now.  Words she wrote about me years ago.  I did not read the words.  I did not need to.  I remember them.  Part of it has to do with being all things to all people.  That’s love right?  Being all things to all people…

How else can you serve them unless you are what they need?

I’ll begin here with saying I have not fallen so do not fret.  I am trying to fall but I doubt I will be able to succeed.  I created a few scenarios of life.  I reminded myself, as best I could, that it matters not.  Scenario one was quickly dashed.  Scenario two equally dashed.  I may have just deleted the second one.  I do not recall if it was the second or the third.

I wrote the above two days ago.  I am still trying to fall.  Still failing.  *sigh*  Grace.

I wanted to read more this weekend.  I wanted to accomplish more.  I accomplished little.  I did finish a book but I was mostly done with it when the weekend started so it doesn’t really count.  I needed to think upon things.  I needed to pray for a miracle.  I prayed quite a bit.  I cannot accomplish the task set before me without God which has made me quite desperate.  But not desperate enough.  :/

I think about time and the future requirements.  So much seems like it needs to be happening soon and yet what?  Me.  Excuse.

Yes, I tell myself I need the weekend to recharge.  My mind does not always accept this idea.  Hmmm, does it ever.  I suppose.  I cannot hide from even my own intensity.  I scare myself.  I pray.  The mind wanders.  Back on track.  Off track again.  Align this.  Align that.

The eyes.  I wonder if they are really that color.

Many Explosions

Well last week I got a $5,000 grant from Best Buy – courtesy of God.  It was confirmation that I should move forward on one of my projects.  The manager of the local Best Buy stopped by with her husband to visit.  I’ll get a big check.  That will be fun.  Working on people to help with this.  There is a lot that will go into this.  My heart was bursting with joy because of all this.  I promise I fell on the ground and worshiped the Lord so many times.

Another business meeting this weekend to finalize employment and hopefully, eventually, partnership.  Looks like everything is on track still for January 2nd open but God will really dictate all that.

I found out dates for the trip to Niger and have approval from Kara to take the kids (one schedule to confirm).   I get to talk to the kids tomorrow.  Blaine wanted to go from the beginning and Kristen has wanted to go since we had lunch with the missionaries and their kids.  She loved their kids.  Hopefully they still want to go.

I can put Kristen on the new business bank account.  That was good news for me.  This is the new business we are starting together.  I will take this slow – to the best of my ability.

Supposed to have lunch with someone with another business idea.  Maybe this week but if not, eventually.

One of my other partnerships is moving along.  I got the credit card processing application approved and entered into the website.  I have not setup the plans or anything like that but I think we are going to just start with one plan and move forward from there.

All that to say, my mind has been working much more than usual.  I keep praying for peace and He keeps providing it.  He loves me so much.  I wish I could just give people a drop of the love He has for me.  An everlasting love.  I know this is not a normal season for me but I will accept it.  And maybe my head won’t explode until after my heart does.

Someone Died

Physical death is one of those things difficult for me to grasp.  My thoughts on death formed around the age of 12.  I remember them forming.  The thought pattern on death is my own and does not appear incongruent with my faith, never has.  But I do know it is incomplete.  The finality of it isn’t strong.

Eli’s father overdosed.  Eli is five.

I never met his father, David.  As I have reflected on his death, I wonder if there was anything I could have done.  The answer must be yes.  What could that thing have been?

Death’s finality isn’t strong because I do not believe death is final.  I can remember the idea forming oh so many years ago.  I remember it so vividly.  And now knowing that we are just sojourers, exiles in this world, the idea has only grown stronger.  Except it should be different for those that are unbelievers, nay, it is different for them.

I had a conversation with a guy recently.  Death scares him.  I probed, attempting to find out this world view but he was hesitant to say anything.  Even the alcohol did not open him up.  There are many reasons why he is hesitant to talk to me but I did learn some things.  He doesn’t really believe in anything.  There was nothing.  He was born, will live.  Then he will die into nothing again.

It has taken a year to get this out of him.

So I contemplate death, not in a morbid way because my death is of little concern, consequence.  But in understanding those that do not see death the same because they cannot.  They have no hope.  I must pray.  Always pray…

The Edge of Forever

The City on the Edge of Forever…

He stops himself from saving her.  She dies so that the world will return to the way it was.

I remember the sadness.  The heart hurts, aches.

Oh, I knew the pain was intense if I could feel it.  So I prayed for you.  I knew it was your pain because it was so familiar.  I almost shared the prayer with you but had to refrain.  The next night you told me of the pain you were suffering.  I did not need to know the details because they would not change the feelings.  I told you I would pray more and I did.

Is it always the same?

I was reading a book and continued to be awed by God’s grace.  I could not help myself.  Acknowledge and glorify the God who created the heaven and earth.  Joy beyond understanding.

I do not want to see you.  I do not want to feel your pain.  Yet it to is a gift from God.  I do not know if this sadness is my own.

Recently God gave me the word “creation”.  I kept trying to put the pieces together but my mind could not.  After reading a different book, more words came to mind.  Words that could be combined to create real ideas.  Ideas for advancement.  It is a beautiful thing to get this.

There is still more to read.  More to accomplish.  More to push forward on.

I would love to fall tonight.  Into the deep sadness.  I wonder if God would let me…

The End Of The World

It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

A few years back my Sunday school class was going to study the end times.  I found out a few days in advance as we had not been warned but I did my best to study up on the subject.

We were regaled with tales of unicorns, butterflies, and rainbows.  It was a very poor showing and I knew next to nothing on the subject at the time.  I was told that Christians would not suffer during a tribulation because God doesn’t want His people to suffer.  This leads to the obvious question – then why do I suffer now.

I had printed out a document for the class showing the three major positions – premillennialism, postmillennialism, and amillennialism.  I thought it would be helpful but it was not used.  And rightly so with the topic that was presented.  This actually began a nice study for me as I sought to understand the three positions.  I grasped the first two but the third (amillennialism) was outside my reach.

A few months went by and I heard a teaching on the topic and became an amillennialist.  It was clearly the most logical understanding of scripture and end times I could see.  Again my knowledge is limited as I have only done minor research on the topic but I still believe this.

Fast forward to earlier this week when my sister suggested a book – Raptureless.  [She has not read the book so how she came to recommend it is a different story.]  I picked it up since I had just completed a book.  I was concerned as I started the book (the preface) but once the book began, the author started quick and I was soon convinced he was an amillennialist too.  Now as I pass the halfway point, I still believe this is his position even though he has not discussed it yet.

So many memories and scriptures have fallen into place as he walks through history (AD 30 to AD 70).  Very interesting book and I have since become a stronger amillennialist.  Not everyone can be a panmillennialist.

He Changes Times…

I saw something today that just knocked the wind out of me – as they say.  I escaped it for a bit thinking about “forward thinking” and then “free thinking” (if such a thing can exist).

I broke down and upgraded my Logos 4 Bible study software to Logos 7 which was just released.  I got a lot of new references with the upgrade.  I think about 800 new books and the like.  I was most excited about the sermons of Charles Spurgeon.  I found volume one and read the intro.  That will be a project – read the hundreds (thousands?) of sermons by Spurgeon.

The emotions returned.  They pulled me down pretty far.  Ericka distracted me the second time.

I would enjoy a nice conversation about the ramifications of autonomous cars, asteroid mining, whether free will exists or not, or something along those lines.  One with a spouse who knew me.  I am thankful for what I do have.  I remember just last week continuing a conversation with Kristen on “Black Lives Matter”.  That was a two hour joy.  Oh, it was not all on that topic of course.  We discussed many things as I am sure we will discuss again this Wednesday.

She has enjoyed her entrepreneurship class in high school so far.  Thus, part of our talk was on businesses.  She already has the idea for the business plan she will write for the end of the class assignment.  A marketing company – using social media.  I would actually be interested in seeing her attack the idea from a mobile perspective.  The business name (idea) “Mobile Marketing Ingenuity” has been in my mind for over a year.  I remember when it occurred to me and how I was missing something.  I have still not found that missing piece.

I know I was attempting to combine several ideas into one and I kept reaching and reaching.  Yes, I will attempt to remember this in our next talk.  I imagine this could be combined with autonomous cars.  Yes, that is the direction we should progress towards.

On a business note, I still have not found a partner or two for the new business.  And yesterday at some point I was able to integrate another idea into the business and create a third business out of the one idea.  It will be rather interesting if God allows me to do any of this.  When I was talking to Him yesterday, I told Him I couldn’t do any of this without Him.  There are very specific things that need to occur for any of my projects to progress and eventually succeed.  None of which are under my control.

So I began to crash again tonight.  Writing has helped slow it but not stopped it.  I have been praying the verses in Daniel 2 for a few days.  Daniel 2:20-23.  The beginning of verse 21 says “He changes times and seasons” and that is very true.  I have not surrendered the day to the sadness.  If God does keep me one more day, His name will be praised forever and ever.  If God does not, His name will still be praised forever and ever.  It is a great prayer so go ahead and read it.

It is only 8pm.  I suppose I will try to read a bit more.  That is always a distraction of some level for the mind.

Free Will

I finished “The End of Faith” by Sam Harris yesterday.  It is a great book.  I got to a section yesterday where he talked about free will.  I clicked on the footnote and read the most amazing words I had seen all day (outside God’s Word).  The footnote is around 1.5 standard pages.  If it was shorter I would post it here.

I normally file books to the completed collection when I am done but I left this one open so I could read the afterward (at least I hope to read it).

This morning I was back in Daniel.  I read Daniel 1 and 2 yesterday.  I really enjoyed the prayer in Daniel 2.  I repeated it a few times this morning.  Yesterday after I read the footnote mentioned above, I got on my knees and thanked God for the joy of reading those words (many words).  Honestly, I was bubbling over with such excitement (I read the footnote twice!).  I wanted to share them with everyone but too few people would have an understanding of my reason for sharing so I refrained from sending them to anyone.  Take that in conjunction with the prayer in Daniel 2.  “O God of my fathers, I acknowledge and glorify you, for you have bestowed…”  God bestows many gifts to me (and you too).  For those gifts, I acknowledge and glorify Him.

I started another book this week.  “Do Over” by Jon Acuff.  I bought it Tuesday and had him sign it while at this business conference.  Good book so far.

The four main points – relationships, skills, character, and hustle – will be discussed in detail over the book.  I am reading about relationships now.  I have to work on relationships.  They cost a lot of energy.  I love people (mostly) but sometimes I do not want to spend that energy.  Selfishness, no doubt.

I think I will try to read “Freedom of the Will” by Jonathan Edwards again.  I have tried twice.  The first time I got pretty far.  The second time I did not.  I know I need to read it but like many books I need to read, I make excuses.  We shall see what the future holds for the books I read.

Time to read, pray, and think upon thoughts new and old.