When I Became A Father

When I became a father…I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  I’m still mostly clueless but like many fathers out there I get by as best I can.  This first one is my baby girl.  She is nearly 13 now.  We have done a lot together.


Then I became a father again.  Yes, well if it isn’t such a thing it should be (for moms too, of course).  This is my little man.  He is nearly 12.


I have been through a lot of old pictures lately.  Google has unlimited photo storage now so I began uploading what I had from the past few years.  Then I pulled a DVD full of pictures.  I burned this particular DVD in 2005.  It even has some videos of the kids.

It was difficult looking at the pictures the past few days.  I had already fallen into a pretty deep loneliness and looking at memories of when you thought you were happy does not help this situation.  I do not recall an extended episode like this since February (or maybe further back).

I contemplated on the drive home yesterday the ways in which we avoid the pain – drinking, drugs, sex, self-loathing.  But nothing we do can really take that pain away.  Wednesday or Thursday was particularly rough.  I made a note that said “God is with you through the pain” and repeated that to myself over and over.

And it does help.  It would be better if He would take it away but I am learning something that He wants to teach me.  Probably a few things.

This past week also saw a single pregnant mom take back the father of her latest child again.  This time after he was escorted from her residence by the police for a physical assault.  That did not help my week.  Another mother had her son decide to visit his father.  It sent the mother into a spin.  I’m not sure I could describe the pain with a specific word but it was intense for her.  She still needs to be lifted up as she masks the pain.  A girl is removed from her home by CPS – good cause but no family to take her in.  She is trouble and whatever foster family takes her needs prayer.

It really is good to be a father.  And it is good to have a Father in heaven to talk to about everything.  Sadly I feel quite distant from my Father lately.  Very distant.