The purpose. The truth. The emptiness.
Absolutely futile! Everything is futile! –Ecclesiastes 1:2
Oh that does not mean we do not live life. Exist and do our duty. Maintain some semblance of decorum in the world. Of course we do those things.
If only I believed that right now. If only I believed anything. I’d say it was a selfishness I was holding on to but that would not be entirely true. I would say it was a desire to destroy others and myself. Who knows what I believe at this moment. I am sure I do not know.
Everything really is meaningless. Wisdom. Pleasure. Folly. Toil. Advancement. Riches. Oh, I could go on but Ecclesiastes really embraces it all.
I told someone a few weeks back that Ecclesiastes was not the best book when in this state of mind. How true but it is one of the books I am drawn to. I know I could distract myself for countless hours but that would be meaningless. Life would still exist in this state. I would do anything and nothing. Anything and nothing.
I can see now the steps leading towards destruction. They are in my mind. Eating away at me. They like to repeat the word “destroy”. I hear you over there. Seeking my destruction. I remember. I do. And you see, I could achieve those things with very little effort. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy.
The heart of evil.
You know I have heard the words “return to the breath” quite a few times the last few weeks. I began two different podcasts. One by my good friend (I do not really know him), Sam Harris. And another about Secular Buddhism. It has been an interesting learning experience. The thoughts come into existence and then disappear. Yes, so as I return to the breath the idea of destruction is removed. The main point is there is no other thought. All patterns are zero. I have achieved zero before (many times). I do not think I have realized I achieved zero while being zero. Only after the fact. Yet we are supposed to see this zero while experiencing it. I have set aside time for this thought pattern. It will be of great study interest.
There it is. Destroy. It was only gone moments. Again – return to the breath. It sounds all Zen, I know. Zen.
As the “Zen Master” speaks, what does he say? I suppose I will need to read a book or two. But given the amount of introspection I do. The focus of the mind that I maintain. I can say that I can see the “truth” in the words. I must say it that way to avoid specific feedback loops. I cannot avoid them all because people do not typically know what words mean and refuse to evaluate them more than a single time (in most instances). We accept the flow of life we are in and realize that it will come into existence and then disappear. Yes, that amuses me. Yes, I experience existence and disappearance.
Distraction was induced. The desire to destroy is reduced.