I have a wonderful life. I sometimes suffer pain from sadness, loneliness, depression. I do not want or need your sympathy. I do not want or need your suggestions on how to change my thought patterns (or anything else in my life) to avoid this pain. Today I am documenting my experience from yesterday for informational purposes only. Again, I do not want or need your sympathy.
I wake up and it is not instantly upon me. It is there, deep in my chest. I can feel it but the weight is not heavy. I wake my son up so he can get ready for school. I make myself busy because that provides temporary relief. I drop him off at school and my head is under water. I get to work and dread the schedule but God gives me enough strength to get to my first appointment. I solve the problem and chat with the client.
I return to the office. It isn’t so bad. I remote into a few computers and begin to resolve more problems. I am masking it now. I know the difference in myself. One of my employees walks in and I make a comment about having no friends. It is difficult to avoid using words like this when the pain is so intense. It was so painful I could not think properly. I go to a meeting and I find it unlikely that I hid the pain I was in. I eat lunch. Just another short distraction (5 minutes or less).
The pain continues to crash upon me. It won’t stop. Someone drops off some money to me. I try to act like I am not in pain. But there is no telling what they thought. I meet someone to go vote early. They see the pain in me. It is too severe to hide at this point. I fake a smile for a picture and return to work. Head to the bank to deposit the money that was brought to me. Find out I did not count the money properly. The mind was gone well before that occurred. Return to my office. A respite. Even so brief.
Dad calls. Wants to schedule a weekend with Blaine. I barely have enough strength to have a conversation with him. Why won’t he stopped talking to me? Please Lord, make him stop. Make them all stop. The call is over. I can focus on the pain again.
My daughter texts me about my plans tonight as if this socialite had plans. Seems there is a movie she wants to see. Then she arrives at my office. Our dinner and movie date is schedule. The pain continues. I make it through the next hour at work, by the grace of God, only His grace gets me through. I did not accomplish anything but I survived. I pick up both my kids and head out to eat. We arrive but wave after wave of pain is crashing upon me. I do not hear the words they are saying. I am barely holding myself together. Holding back tears. I remember three waves during the 45 minute dinner. There might have been four waves but I’m not sure. I do know that I finished my food in three minutes – Kristen timed me for some reason.
My mind, normally well ordered, is in disarray. It has been most of the day.
We head out to the movies. I was hit at least once by a wave of pain on our way. Now distraction. My daughter next to me, laughing, joking. Another brief relief from the pain. Yet it is quick to return. We are not out of the theater yet and I can feel the wave building. Slowly building inside me. I drop them off, head home, and crash into bed. Free from this last wave of the day.
I could have described additional points to yesterday but my mind still lacks focus so I will have to leave it at that. Two weeks ago ended my 110 day streak of days without major depression. I experience the sadness most days but those 110 days were probably the longest streak I have ever had. At least I do not recall ever counting that high before.
I was just thinking about the focus on the pain. I am wondering if that helps ease the pain or intensifies it. If the Lord sees fit I will contemplate that today.