The Words – Empty and Flat

All the words are empty and flat.  I do not know why I am even writing these words.  Futile says the teacher.

Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me.  –Psalm 19:13 (NIV)

Really the only thing that has kept me as of late – grace.  I have this “problem” of not caring about anyone.  I am trying to find God again but it is cloudy and grey.  I pray a lot.  I read a lot.  I read Jonah (among other things) on Saturday.  He was a bitter man.  I related to him.  Sunday I read Ruth.  Naomi was a bitter woman.  I related to that.

Jonah ends with no resolution – meaning Jonah is still bitter.  Ruth ends with Naomi no longer bitter.  Which one should I be?  Does it really matter?  Do you duty and all that.  It is futile so we just do our duty.  Perform our function.

The Lord’s message to me?  Love God most.  Seek His face.  Know God more.  God.  God.  God.  Thank you!  Brilliant!  Yet, nothing.  Darkness.  The end of May, my path was moved towards darkness so that another’s path could be moved towards joy.  I would love to share those words (I wrote them on paper) but they are too dark for people.

Articles I have read include phrases like “I don’t feel anything” and “I didn’t even feel hunger for God anymore”.  There was one more but I seem to have misplaced the article.  Forgotten the words.  Maybe even for the best.

One of the verses today was Psalm 27:8 – “My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’  Your face, LORD, I will seek.”

He promises that He will not forsake me.  Just keep looking.  Will I have to look forever?  I haven’t stopped now.  Wretched man that I am.  Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Keep your servant.  Keep your slave from willful sins.  May they not rule over me.

Oh the words I could use.  Evil words.  Words meant to destroy.  And it is early yet.  Oh so early.

I am not a fool.  I know grace has kept me.  Grace.  Grace.  Grace.  Nothing but undeserved grace.  His unrelenting grace.  Seek His face.

Words are amazing.  Used in ways we could never foresee.  I suppose I should read more of them.  I do not know what He would have me read.  Maybe nothing at all.