The Old Me

I think I much prefer the old me.  He feels like home.  You know?

Monday morning, I began to crash and just repeated “into your hands I commit my spirit” a few times while in anguish.  He took it away.

Last night it began to creep in.  I was listening to “Lost On You” which I remembered makes me very sad.  You know just what I always like to be.

God seems to rip people away.  I wrote some words along those lines on Wednesday.  It seems most true.

Still, He has not allowed me to fall into the deep despair.  Monday will be the beginning of week 6, if it continues.  Yes, I count the days.  I count many things.

Today, honestly I both want to fall into that despair and do not want to fall.  It is an odd problem.  I tried to pray but that did not last long.  I just wanted to put words somewhere.  If only I could share the words from Wednesday but they are a lot to understand or misunderstand.  Will I rely on God to prevent the fall?  Will I allow myself to be taken once again into it?  What will the outcome be?

I woke up Monday morning with a song in my head.  The only song of his in my playlist.  It is one of my favorites right now.

I do not think this music is much better for my frame of mind but I do not stop listening to it.  Asking for trouble?  I suppose.  Why not ask?

Will couple 165 please take the floor?

There are projects to work on today.  I suppose I will accomplish some of them.  I’ll probably have to pause, stop the music so I can focus and stop dancing in my chair.