I just recently read one of my unpublished posts about how evil I am. It was good. Dark like my heart has been as of late.
I was on my couch yesterday wondering why I still read my Bible, articles and books about God, listen to podcasts, and watch preaching videos all when I feel far from God. It was a simple answer, I suppose. Grace.
It seems I do not know much else (anything else?). The futility of worldly pursuits is known. The futility of life itself is known.
Yesterday I downloaded the commentaries of John Calvin again. I had read part of his commentary on Hosea long ago and enjoyed it. So I decided to start his commentary on John. I am not very far into it but this morning some words rang true. “But by that guidance of their reason they do not come to God, and do not even approach to him; so that all their understanding is nothing else than mere vanity.” It made me think about the reason why I cannot escape. He is my everything.
The crazy part is the complete rebellion I still find myself in knowing that He is my everything. It is nearly antithetical. I got to use that word yesterday with the kids which was fun. Now I get to use it today. Anyway, I realize it is the whole Romans 7 battle.
Last night as I was lying in bed a thought occurred to me. “My mind is rewriting itself.” I grabbed my journal to write that down and promptly lost the idea. Moments later, God gave it back to me and I wrote it down. Told myself to think upon that idea. I did think upon it in my sleep last night. Very interesting pattern. And they are still difficult to hold on to.
If my mind is rewriting itself, what is the purpose of the rewriting? Is there a reason other than for God to receive glory? The fact that my mind is rewriting itself seems true. I’m not talking about on the scale that our minds normally rewrite themselves but I on different scale. Having this thought I have begun to review the previous amount of time in light of this. It makes it all the more interesting if true. Have I lost myself during the process? I do not think so.
This makes me curious where He is taking me. Yes, quite curious. Much to think upon.