That Moment of Realization

It was a quiet in the storm, I guess you could say.  My mind slowly recovering from the onslaught of pain.  I had that moment of realization as to the problem and solution but I could do nothing about it.  If the solution was only going to hurt me then I would have implemented it immediately but it would effect others.  So I had to weigh the situation.  These thoughts made me physically ill.

What does one do?  One suffers of course.  As I contemplated all these things in my head, I understood that I was powerless.  My tone changed the rest of that day and the next.  I did a poor job last night but poor is all I have, I suppose.  (And thankfully it was no where close to detrimental.)  I would be surprised if there were not additional realizations last night.  Things that people began to understand.

Beyond words there are meanings we can only attempt to grasp.  Are our minds taking in these details to predict the future appropriately?  There are indeed moments when we do and other moments we get terribly wrong.  I cannot say how anything will turn out.  Predictive analysis is just a tool anyway.  Then there is action.  Based upon the analysis, when should the actions take place?  There is no time like the present unless it is the future present.  (Yes, that was for my amusement.)

My daughter was ranting about the closed mindedness of the reds (my word not hers) on Thursday.  As I probed with questions about what she meant, how they were closed minded, and if she was closed minded by not accepting me stealing her money, I believe she began to understand.  I pray she did.  I asked her why she respected my opinion on the “black lives matter” issue months back.  And then showed her how my questions to her lead to that respect.  I wanted to understand why she believed that and not specifically to change the way she thought.   Then I asked if she thought this was a better model than the one she was living.

It seems she realized her own closed mindedness.  I pray she really did and begins to approach life differently again.  For many years now, I have felt like it was part of my role to make sure my kids question everything.  Seek the reasons why you believe what you believe.  Do not accept my words, your mom’s words, the words from a tweet, post, snapchat, church or anything else.  Find the truth.

My own moment of realization was a painful one for me.  One that seems as if it will lead to more pain.  I would prefer it lead to healing.

I was awake just after 2am.  The previous days I was waking up a little after 3am which was good but today will be a long day – an entire extra hour.  I do not know what should be accomplished.  I hope to be able to read some.  Maybe a nap after lunch would be good.  Not too disjointed.  There are more words but I do not want to write them.