It is a battle. It hit me hard Sunday morning. I had been up for a few hours without any problems and then one errant memory. It isn’t the same pain but an old pain. I plead for Him to take me home. Desperate for the memories to leave me.
I love the verse in Philippians that says “I have a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far” because it is so true. He follows it up by saying it is vital for their sake that he remain in the flesh. And I have lost the belief that it is vital for anyone’s sake that I remain. It is not vital. The world would move on just fine. Everyone would continue to live and I would be with Him, such joy.
Why won’t He take me? Please Lord, take me home. I am done with this place. I cannot stomach it and I cannot even stand my own presence. Lord, take me home. Why do you think it is better to leave me here? So I can suffer longer. So I can suffer more intensely. Take me home.
There were tears. Many more thoughts.
Later in the morning I get a text with Psalm 126:5. Sow tears. Reap joy. That is unusual but I accept it and move on. The tears continue to come and go. On the floor wondering why I will have to endure this for countless eons. Minute upon minute upon minute. Endlessly.
Day after day knowing the futility of it all. Of course there is the infinite sadness. Yesterday was good until lunch. Then I am brought low. I wake up this morning and it is on me quick. I am listening to the sadness and go for a walk. God shows me something that eases the pain temporarily. I do not want to hold on to that. I could but I do not want to so it comes crashing back upon me. I pray. Emptiness. Completely empty.
There are so many patterns. Patterns everywhere. Do you see them? The madness within.
Time after time I think Oh Lord what’s the use. Sooner or later in life the things you love you lose. Those are the words to the sadness. There are more words. I have them all. The good ones. The bad ones. All the words melt together. It is nearing the time to pretend. Let us go.