This morning was different. The new business I am opening (Wreck It Room) was on the news. James Ware came and did three live shots. I was there but not on camera. I had several people tell me that as soon as James destroyed a few things and turned to the camera, you could see the fun he was having.
I think the business is good and people will enjoy destroying things to relieve stress. Or maybe even just for fun.
It was a long morning waiting for each spot. I got to leave and fix a server. My client’s server would not turn on and I had a T110 power supply in my office. I think God gave me an extra T110 server a few months back for this specific purpose. I am thankful that God does this.
There was more work to be done and then I tried to take a walk since I had missed it at my normal 5:30am time due to the TV crew coming. Instead I got an invite to lunch which I accepted. I had not seen this person for a few months so it was good. Back to work. A quick bank run. More work.
Genesis 17 with Ericka. We have been having short and long discussions over the Bible. We had completed several shorter books and decided to tackle this one.
On my way back to Wreck It Room, I was told about a message on Facebook from someone. I found out later that they had 90 (ninety) TVs for us. That is crazy. We have not even had our first customer yet. The customers will come. At least that is what I have been told.
Thankfully I get to leave Wreck It Room early. I get to my driveway and what have my neighbors put to the street? Another TV. I often wonder why God does that for me. It is such a blessing. I read just a few days ago in Psalm 146 – how blessed is the man whose helper is the God of Jacob. How blessed indeed. I often wonder if there is anyone as blessed as me. God is just so good to me.
I suppose I should retire. I guess I’ll do that directly.
The trouble with life is…
I am always searching. For meaning. For words. For joy. For contentment. I even think I have found those things from time to time. They are elusive.
It seems my new business will be on the morning news tomorrow. The whole thing is a bit terrifying. Hopefully people show up to destroy some stuff.
There are moments when I have this internal debate. I want to say “with myself” but who else would the debate be with? I talk myself in to and out of many things. From good to evil and back again or maybe evil to good and back again. The conversation typically occurs quickly. No need for one person to process and determine a response. It is real time and I find the speed refreshing.
It is also refreshing that there is no translation needed. I can use raw language. It takes so much time to translate for humans. You know this is true. Listen to your internal monologue and you will see. You bypass many impractical words that are needed to help humans comprehend.
The word selection never has to be precise either. It can be vague because feelings are included automatically. Expressing many things with words requires precision and some knowledge of how those words are used colloquially. It would be interesting to hear the dialogue people have in their minds – just nothing too personal.
The trouble with words…
Yes, words are still some of my best friends.
I have been isolated today so I’m not sure how the world is managing with the year incrementing by one. I should probably keep up with the world. Know the details of events it continues to produce but I’m not really that interested.
I wanted to start of list of topics or ideas to write about. There are many ideas that I love to talk about and that in turn could lead to writing. None of them have made my list which is blank. And honestly I did not spend much time on creating the list. The idea occurred to me today and then I remembered the taxes I had to do.
940. 941. W2. W3. Texas Unemployment. JUX. SMR. GOS. It never seems to end. I made it to the office and began working. I thought some loud music would help me forget but it was just a minor distraction. My phone rings. Time to setup Internet at someone’s house. Pick up my daughter so she can play with the baby. Pick up two TVs from the side of the road. Install Internet. Return to the office for more forms.
I looked at the post-it note and it said to find topics to write about. I was done so I got in the car to drive home. Kristen has already began prep work on dinner. Cook and talk. Always fun.
Attempt to read. I purchased a short book on Lying yesterday. Started and finished it. So I got a book titled “Against Empathy” today. I think I might be against empathy. I do accomplish some reading then the eyes get heavy. Watched a short show of no value. Eyes still heavy. So write about nothing specific.
I used to be different. There are always so many changes.
Soon we will be able to describe the wonder of it all. The year that was. The year that will be.
My mind has not been clear for months. Even during the 110 days, it was not as clear as I wanted it so in the darker times the fog is thick.
I read sentences several times and still miss critical words. They are completely wrong. I wrote something last night and was just disappointed in myself. If these had been among hundreds of words, it would have been a bit more understandable but it was among dozens of them.
I thank God regardless. I have remembered (again) to ask that my life glorify Him, that He provide my daily bread, and that He forgives me and helps me grow into the likeness of His Son.
It has been a good few days of talking to God. Less than a week of this. It would be great if He would make it a habit in me. A heart of thankfulness for what I have. The bounty.
I am still afraid of the words so I will stop here.
I opened up the program where the writings for my book project are located yesterday. I skimmed several of the chapters I had written. I remember those stories and the feelings but I realized I was not that person any more. It was almost surreal. Almost.
What could have possibly changed me? The same thing that changes us all – time. But even deeper than that – grace.
One thing I noticed in the stories was the self-loathing. I recounted the depth of that hatred. It was a deep seeded hatred going back decades. I still have some self-loathing in me (no doubt) but it does not feel so strong.
Does that mean I am close to a breakthrough? Or did I already breakthrough? Or does it mean something else? Or does it mean nothing at all?
Several times over the years I have reread parts of my journals. Each time I remember seeing the change in me over time. It was an interesting process but I had only seen the change from a specific point of view. This was an entirely different point of view – from the negative side. It has really fascinated me.
The whole of man is defaced. Look at our memory; is it not true that the memory is fallen? I can recollect evil things far better than those which savour of piety. […] For memory graspeth with an iron hand ill things, but the good she holdeth with feeble fingers. –C. H. Spurgeon, The Carnal Mind Enmity Against God
One of my problems is my memory. Specifically, I hold on the the bad things and never remember the good. In this instance, however, it seems as if the bad (self-loathing) is being let go of.
Now I wonder what it means for my book project. Or any of my writing.
I was asked earlier this week about my book. I informed the person I was no longer writing it. They told me I should pick it back up. They told me to write about my depression and God’s grace. I suppose those are two topics I am familiar with. I would love to write professionally. I love words. I love placing them and arranging them so that they evoke feelings, even if they are just my own. Words are powerful.
Sadly, I feel myself incapable of the task. And probably more so, unwilling.
A few weeks back I read a brilliant math article. I was just enthralled with the ideas in the article and wanted to be a math nerd. I wish I could share this desire to the full extent. I downloaded a book on Calculus that I have acquired a few years ago and began to read. I finished the first page and realized I would never become the math nerd I desire to be. So I removed the book and abandoned the idea. I knew it was for the best. I have an entire mind map devoted to dead ideas. I can’t even get my Greek studies back on track, how will I get math studies started?
How will I write this book? If I did, who would read it? Why would they read it? What is the value of it? Of books there is no end, right?
I opened up some old words I had written. Words from March 2014. I will share a small paragraph.
I am sure you would like some uplifting word. I can give you all the words of encouragement you need bar none. But we do not need encouragement. We need desperation. I’m going to give it to you the only way I know how right now – with words. I will tell you stories of the people I love. The story of “A” who is lost in her own lasciviousness. The story of “B” who is lost in laziness. The story of “C” who is lost in worldliness. The story of “D” who is lost in anger. The story of “E” who is lost in hatred towards God. The story of “F” who is lost in anger and needs love. The story of “G” who is lost in people. The story of “H” who is lost and doesn’t care . The story of “I” who is lost inside cultural Christianity. The story of “J” who is lost in life. The story of “K” who is held captive. The story of “L” who is in bondage. The story of “M” who is lost in depression. The story of “N” who is lost in a fake life. The story of “O” who is lost in drugs. The story of “P” who is also lost in drugs. The story of “Q” who is one of countless more people in need of prayer. Prayer that I cannot give or fail to give or tire of giving.
The most telling part of this for me was the last line. Prayer that I cannot give or fail to give or tire of giving. It gives me chills.
There is so much more from that one page (882 words – the program counts them for me). I imagine that writing will reduce my idle hands. I have that project I want to do next year but I surrendered that project already. Maybe I could modify it in some way. I need to think about words and my Greek lessons again. Maybe I can pray God pushes me back into it. Sadness still rules.
It is a battle. It hit me hard Sunday morning. I had been up for a few hours without any problems and then one errant memory. It isn’t the same pain but an old pain. I plead for Him to take me home. Desperate for the memories to leave me.
I love the verse in Philippians that says “I have a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far” because it is so true. He follows it up by saying it is vital for their sake that he remain in the flesh. And I have lost the belief that it is vital for anyone’s sake that I remain. It is not vital. The world would move on just fine. Everyone would continue to live and I would be with Him, such joy.
Why won’t He take me? Please Lord, take me home. I am done with this place. I cannot stomach it and I cannot even stand my own presence. Lord, take me home. Why do you think it is better to leave me here? So I can suffer longer. So I can suffer more intensely. Take me home.
There were tears. Many more thoughts.
Later in the morning I get a text with Psalm 126:5. Sow tears. Reap joy. That is unusual but I accept it and move on. The tears continue to come and go. On the floor wondering why I will have to endure this for countless eons. Minute upon minute upon minute. Endlessly.
Day after day knowing the futility of it all. Of course there is the infinite sadness. Yesterday was good until lunch. Then I am brought low. I wake up this morning and it is on me quick. I am listening to the sadness and go for a walk. God shows me something that eases the pain temporarily. I do not want to hold on to that. I could but I do not want to so it comes crashing back upon me. I pray. Emptiness. Completely empty.
There are so many patterns. Patterns everywhere. Do you see them? The madness within.
Time after time I think Oh Lord what’s the use. Sooner or later in life the things you love you lose. Those are the words to the sadness. There are more words. I have them all. The good ones. The bad ones. All the words melt together. It is nearing the time to pretend. Let us go.
I have an unpublished post titled “Words of Darkness” that I began and have not been able to complete. It is 212 words so I could probably post it as is but there is no completeness to it. I have the words of darkness.
As I read Ephesians yesterday morning, I got to chapter five and realized how verse eight had been opened up to me months ago.
for you were at one time darkness, but now you are light in the Lord
If Christ has not saved you then you are darkness now. When I was darkness, I did not feel like I was darkness. But now I am light in the Lord. I am not light out of the Lord because without Him I am darkness still. But with Him…
There is no good apart from Him. I am quite cognizant of this. Aware of my total depravity. Trying to hold on to the knowledge that I am holy in his sight. It is not an easy thing to hold on to.
I have a new project I started yesterday. I like this project but it seems like a difficult one to complete. I decided to begin it and thus try to complete it. If I give the project a probability of success, does that mean I am dooming it to failure? It seems so.
Normally God gives me the designation for my years in October. This year of prayer has been a learning experience. One I will continue forever. I have been trying to decide if I thought it was a successful year. It does not feel successful but I do not think this can be determined without reflection from a future point in time.
But what about next year? I think it may be the year of God’s Word. We shall see.
I was introduced to a poem recently.
In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life
I had to hunt it down after hearing it. I had to write the words on paper to feel them. I had to recite the words to know them. I had to memorize the words to make them a part of me.
I disconnected yesterday. It actually started Wednesday evening. I turned off WiFi and the phone. I spent much of the morning doing different things. I tried to pray, meditate, read the Bible, and I read a few sermons too. I ironed my clothes, ate food, and hit one of the trees in the back yard with a machete. No worries about email or texts. I turned on the TV mid-afternoon since it will not notify me of any form of human contact.
I turned WiFi and the phone back on this morning. I did not miss anything.
As I walked the block this morning, I saw people waiting for some stores on Boston Ave to open. I wonder what sort of “Black Friday” specials they have to create a line at a local shop. I do not wonder enough to look it up. I was planning on reading Ephesians since it can be completed while walking the block. I did not get very far. I have not been very far in my prayers lately either. It feels so dark and empty. The dark cloud lifted to some extent a week ago. Not enough to begin counting.
How far did I get in Ephesians? I’m glad you asked.
Ephesians 1:4 – For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love.
I read that over and over. Stared at it with thoughts and without thoughts. He chose us. In Christ. Before the foundation of the world.
That means he gave me grace with grace. Yesterday I felt a few moments of grace. It did not last. I cannot even feel it this morning. Looking at the words do not evoke any feelings. I have not felt alive in an amount of time that seems infinite. That could very well have been counted from the moment yesterday. Time feels eternal without grace. I ask how I could get it back but only God gives us this. I think I am desperate but I do not even know what that means.
Before the foundation of the world. Interesting words. Does he really mean that? What kind of grace is that? Is that a grace that can be understood?
I asked myself this morning (and many other days), “why me?”. There was no good reason to give me grace. And I squander it constantly. The time He gives me. The money He gives me. Squandered. I do not know how to stop. He gives that ability too.
You see that He did this that we may be holy and unblemished. They tell me His blood covers me. They tell me His grace is sufficient. Still I do not feel holy. But it says “in his sight”, holy and unblemished in his sight. Not my sight. Not your sight either. In his sight. Can this be true? The Bible says it is true. Holy in his sight. Unblemished in his sight. And he decided this before the foundation of the world. He knew I would be one of His elect. He knew I would fail miserably at serving Him and He still chose me. Grace.
What is this thing?