Nothing Left But Prayer

I wrote that today in my journal – “There is nothing left but prayer.”.

I prayed a lot today.  I read.  I wrote.  Accomplished little.

I read something on Facebook yesterday about depression.  It was really a good read.  This isn’t the entire post but I am going to comment after each line of this section

To me, depression is the days that I feel sad for no reason.

No reason at all.  Walk out of a room perfectly happy.  Walk into the next room and you hold back tears.  No trigger.

Depression is the mornings that I don’t feel capable of getting out of bed.

So many mornings.  I remember mornings when I was excited to get out of bed.  Those fade away quickly.

Depression is the sleeping too much, or sleeping too little.

Yes.  Going to bed at 9.  Waking up at 10.  Back to sleep.  Up at 1 or 2am.  If you sleep again then you get up at 4.  Then you have to keep your head from hitting your desk during the day.  Only to repeat the cycle.

Depression is the homework that I never completed, simply because I didn’t feel like I was capable.

Or the work you don’t do because you just do not care.

Depression is the break downs I have over absolutely nothing.

Why do I cry for no reason at all?  Today I held back tears.  So many days of holding them back because there is no reason for them to come.

Depression is the eating too much, or eating too little.

Who needs to eat?

Depression is the nights I begin to cry because I feel so overwhelmed, even though everything is going right.

I know.  I wish I could tell you how wonderful life is for me.

Depression is the 50 pounds I carry in my chest at all times.

The weight is always there.  We learn to hide it well.  It really just depends on if it is the crushing weight.

Depression is the need to constantly be distracted (being on social media, playing video games, watching movies or shows, or working all the time) because I can’t trust myself with my thoughts for longer than 3 minutes.

I wrote that twice today – can’t trust myself with my own thoughts for longer than 3 minutes.  Read.  Write.  OK fine, I’ll look at Facebook.  Read.  Stop and think…noooo….fill it up.  Watch something.  Think of someone else.  Anything to avoid it.  Even as I write this it is merely a distraction.  Yet there is only so much work to distract.

Depression is the friendships that have suffered because of my inability to function.

The friendships I do not create, do not recognize, or avoid.  I can hear them now, telling me to “get over it”.

Depression is the hurtful thoughts and actions I have towards myself.

Self-loathing.  I remember years ago saying something along the lines of “I hate myself more than you ever can.  Nothing you can do can hurt me because of my hatred for myself.”  It is quite a disease.

Depression is the tears I have because I don’t know why I feel so worthless, when I know I should feel happy.

If you do not feel worthless then count it as a blessing.

It seems to have resonated with quite a few people.  I was among them.  One of the comments was particularly familiar.  I cannot find it now but it was basically the inability to tell people because it seems silly.  “My problems are not that bad.” type of sentiment.

On the mornings when it is bad, even just a little, I ask God for help.  I ask for help nearly every day.  And He is faithful every day.  When I walk into a room and have to hold back tears, I ask God for help.  When I feel worthless, I ask God for help.  The one thing that these things do is keep me desperately dependent on God.  That is where God wants me.  I have distracted myself a lot today.  I can feel the thoughts swirling in my head.  They never leaving me alone.

Three minutes.  That was arbitrary.