Must We Go?

I have been reading over what I call my “roughs” which are things I wrote and did not share with people.  I have been looking for material I can use mainly for this site but also for my book.  I came upon this rough from June 2013 and I really had to think about this memory.

Recently I wrote this in my journal: “My consumption only seems to get worse. I cannot stop it. I am losing control of my life – my perceived control of life. Some days I can’t even handle my own intensity and today has been a day of seeking peace. A day of trying to be still and know that God is in control. He is sovereign. Reading about John G. Paton tonight had me in tears. I want to go. My heart aches. I want to be used to save lost people and glorify God. Lord, use me. Please.” The days seem to be moving and my life doesn’t feel like it is moving. The fire burns in my chest and I ache for the lost. Jesus – seek Jesus.

The passion from that night was intense in my heart, mind, and soul.  I see the comment “I want to go.” and it makes me cringe a little.  I know that I do not need to go anywhere to make disciples and yet many times I feel like that is part of the process.  It is almost as if I cannot make disciples here but must go to a foreign land to accomplish this.  The command in Matthew 28:19 is not “go” but “make disciples”.  This means I do not need to wait to be sent because I am sent.  This is not a new idea to me but it helps to remind myself of these things.

I know God has me where I am for a reason and I pray that I am being used by Him to accomplish His will for His glory, yet the desire to go to all the nations is still strong.  I know when it is time to “go” like that, God will send me where He wants but until then I need to focus on making disciples where He has me.

Recalling these feelings is not easy but sometimes it is necessary to stir up the fire.  Lord, use me.