Journal Experience – Part 2

The rest of it.

Thank You for today. Thank you for the sleep. Abbee got up at 1:07. I put her back to bed and prayed with her. She was back up at 1:15. She hugged me and went back to bed again. She has only done this twice now, this being the second time. Lord, I need Your help. With the girls, my kids, my business, and everything else.CPS came today. Bethany thinks she is “out to get her” which is ridiculous. She wants them back only to take a job where she is gone two weeks a month. Also ridiculous. She said “if I’m honest with the counselor I’ll never get my kids back”. She said it in front of the girls.

I am very tired. This situation is exhausting. She does not care about getting better. Only seems to care about her image. The kids do not even seem to be secondary.

Thank You for today. Thank You for the strength You give me.

Last night she seemed to want to get the girls excited by saying things about not getting them back over and over. She also talked about that job where she would not see them two weeks a month – in front of them. They cried when she left which I relate directly to these comments and her (Bethany’s) anxiety. This morning both girls were fine and happy – no drama from mom.

Today Bethany asked me to document everything. She needs to document her own life if she wants to get her girls back. It should not be my responsibility.

Instead of getting help for her actual problems, Bethany is going to go see a lawyer. She does not have time to see a doctor but does have time for a lawyer. I do not understand.

The girls were good tonight. Well behaved at the meeting and happy going to bed. Played hide and seek with Aubree.

At church Sunday, the pastor prayed for Bethany to have restored relationships. Instead of thinking about her kids, she only wants to think about Josh. This of course will change as soon as David returns to sleep with her. Then back to Josh then David again. Never working on her kids.

Thank You for today. Help me.

Bethany called today still mad at CPS. She is “working” so hard to get back at them instead of working on being better. It made me sick. She should be trying to be better for herself and the girls.

Thank You for today. Yesterday was good with the girls. They both got yellow at school but it was still good. Played games on the computer. Aubree was the fire character and I was ice. We had to work together to get to the doors. Bed time was smooth again because there was no drama from Bethany.

Bethany called the girls tonight. It was three minutes and twenty two seconds. She was calling for documentation purposes only. It is very sad.

Tonight the girls got up during dinner and danced. Abbee apologized for being disrespectful and was able to move on. Aubree just wanted to cry and complain. She finally apologized but it was difficult for her. After that we had fun the rest of the night and went to bed with no incidents.

I shared Bethany’s lack of trying with my kids (not my girls) last night. Open dialog with them at all times. I pray often that Bethany will take the required steps to get the girls back.

Thank You for today. Help me.

Thank You for today. Yesterday was rough. Bethany came. We “worked” on her bills but she did not take steps to help her situation. She could have paid more on her bills. We went to Chick-Fil-A. The girls played. Back to my house for a family movie. Both girls fell asleep. No drama from mom which was good. She promised the girls she would come back today. I pray she does. I cannot tell if this is real change. I find it unlikely given the history. I fear it will go right back to chaos when they go back to her. And I know Bethany does not care about what she put the girls through.

People remember what they want. Only what they deem important.

Thank You for today. Yesterday, lots happened. Aubree was disrespectful all day. Just like her mother, she has little respect for anyone. Bethany continually leaves food out. She comes in and takes whatever she wants and rarely asks. If she asks it is an after thought. Abbee was good until she got tired. Understandable.

Romans 6:14 – For sin will no longer have mastery over you.

​Most days I feel selfish. I give up my life because Christ died for me. Still I complain. Not that I had or have a life. Nor do I care to have one some of the time – how we quantify some is unknown.

This morning the thought about Romans 6:14 was clear but once I got up, the thought faded. Meditate.

Thank You for today. Lord, I am not sure if this is better. Help.

Bethany took initiative and drove to church. Afterwards she wanted to pay for lunch so we went out. Aubree said she would “forget” her money and she did. After lunch we all went to the park. After that Bethany went to the store but did not buy anything even after filling a basket full of food. She came over and ate dinner, played games, and watched a movie. She did not get angry and push the girls away. That is not normal for her.

​Yesterday, after two years of hearing her say she cannot take her kids to the grocery story, she said she wanted to take them. She lies, even to herself.

Thank You for today. Last night Bethany came over and vented about her day. She told the counselor “her version” of the story which I imagine leaves out all the drunkenness and sex. She asked me about Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. She asked so she could share the fact that she cried when she called last week. I do not believe it was true. While on the couch with Abbee, she got upset because Abbee wasn’t laying with her correctly. This anger was gone for a few days but she could not prevent it any longer.

I am tired. This experience is exhausting. I do not feel close to God. I do not know how to get that back. I woke up at two and talked to God when I was awake. I know He is there but my sin is hurting my side of the relationship. I feel so alone now. No time to read books so I can expand my mind. No wife to confide in. And so much more leading to sadness. But I know I have been set free and the freedom leads to sanctification. It seems I focus on that too much. Only when things stop for a moment and I do not fill it with the things of God. Instead I fill it with the things of self.

​Today is new. Today God gave me an opportunity to be renewed in my spirit and serve Him with all my heart. He gave me another chance to put to death the old selfish me. I know I will fight some old battles but I also know that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. Today, today I stand.

I deserve it. What do I deserve? I do not deserve the grace God gave me. The grace He even gives me now. Your grace. I need help fighting pride and selfishness. Dear Lord, please help.​

​Bethany did not come today and it was very peaceful. Very little to no trouble with the girls. My girls. Aubree read Exodus 3 tonight. It made my day.​

Thank You for today. Help.

Bethany called me just a few minutes ago. Miranda is hiding at her house. She is “on it” so it is bad. Why did Julie drive her to Bethany’s house? This is crazy. And Bethany would put her girls through this if CPS was not already involved. Now she thinks her dad called CPS. That is crazy. I do not think he would do that. It was most likely Miranda and Marissa. We are not allowed to talk about this because it would look bad if CPS found out.

Thank You for today.

Bethany called again. She is paranoid as are her brothers, Derek and Brad. She told me they were going to beat up their father if they found out he called CPS. I find it very unlikely that Anthony called them.

I have no doubt that this means Derek and Brad would kill me if they “concluded” it was me. I know I did not call but when you are dealing with people who are irrational, you will never make sense of what they do or think.

It makes me sad for Aubree and Abbee because they will be going right back into the madness. There will be no structure. They will not have a real home as Bethany will continue to pass them between people. This will continue Aubree’s need to be the adult and Abbee’s need for affection. You know I will take them and do my best Lord, no matter the cost or consequences to me. I know they will still be troubled but they are less likely to end up on the streets.

After telling me her brothers were going to beat up her dad, she said she was starting to doubt she could trust me. I knew it was an indirect threat. I know I am innocent of calling CPS but it will not matter if they think I did, it will happen.

Miranda is still with Bethany. Bethany makes me sick.

No call from Bethany tonight. This most likely means she is with Miranda.

Tonight I was proud of my girls. They were not perfect but they were very good. If they go back to Bethany, I am going to miss them a lot. Only God can determine where they go and His plan for them. I need to remember that God is in control.

Thank You for today.

The girls were very bad at daycare after school. When Bethany arrived she would not play games with them. So I played games. After we were done she laid on the couch with them taking pictures as a photo opportunity. I do not believe it is real. I pray she really wakes up but God does not seem to be doing anything in her heart. It makes me sick. I want to forget.

She has only had herself to worry about for over a month and she has no clean underwear at her house. I wish I could help her but all she has are excuses.

Thank You for today. Help me.

Twice she has had her gas turned off because she was too disorganized to pay her bills. They had to take baths at my house because they had no hot water.

Today Bethany walked in the house and Aubree asked her to play games. She said no because she was tired. She sat down in front of my computer and watched videos. She complained about Abbee being on her and ended up leaving because we would not watch a movie. She also claimed to be nauseous.

Thank You for today. Yesterday I was so proud of how Aubree acted at the grocery store. After the store when it was time to put away her clothes, we had to talk because of her attitude. We worked through it and the rest of the evening was good. Lord, I would love them like my own. Your will be done. Your will be done.

Thank You for today. Yesterday I woke up fine but right after making breakfast for me and my girls, I got dizzy and nausious. Bethany’s dad picked them up for church. I got some soup in me around 11 and felt less sick. Around 3 or 4 I started cooking dinner and was missing the girls. They returned around 6:30, ate dinner, got showers, and played games until bed time. At dinner they were excited to tell me they prayed for me and also shared what they learned at church.

​Lord, I need your strength today. I know I need it every day. Please help me.

She came tonight. After she left “sick” on Saturday she spent $100​ on a tattoo. Disgusting. She “loved” on the girls for a bit but mostly talked to me. I do not think she sees the disdain I have for her. She sees only my normal aloofness. She is in “something’ (not love) with a married man. This one is a youth minister.

Thank You for today. Thank You for my girls. Lord, You know I love Bethany but she disgusts me.

Thank You for today. Lord, forgive me. I want to escape my problems instead of standing and facing them. I want to run but that is not an option. If Bethany was not in the picture it would be better in many ways. Until a decision is made I need You Lord to help me take this responsibility without fear of what man will do. My reputation is Yours. My life and business are Yours. Everything is Yours. What can man do to me? This was not the answer I wanted but the one I needed. Give me the strength I need.

Thank You for today. Last night I found out the case was closed and the girls can go back to Bethany. I knew CPS could not do anything or I guess I knew with a high probability. Even though she is not a good mother with regards to many things, she is still the mother. It is disgusting to know she will spend money on things that will not help her accomplish the very things she says she wants. Of course like most of what she says, I put little value in anything that isn’t action. I loved them as best I could. Now my heart breaks.