Journal Experience – Part 1

Figured I would share.  This is just what I wrote in my journal from December 19 to January 11.  I have to type up the other days.  My girls are back with their mother today and my heart hurts.

Thank You for today. I need You.

Dear Lord, I do not know what to do or say. I did not think this would happen when I woke up this morning. What am I supposed to do? I just thought I needed your help before. I guess I will know real desperation now. Please help me.

Thank You for today. I pray for peace. I pray for Your peace over each one of our lives and this house. Only You can get us through this. Help us.

Tonight we picked countries for the girls. Aubree got Romania and Abbee got Thailand. The first day was a success.

At least as far as we can rate success.

Bethany needs You. Change her heart.

Thank You for today. Lord, I am tired and I need Your strength.

Lord, thank You for the strength. I would rather have had them under better circumstances. Some people thrive on chaos.

Thank You for today. Please help me.

Thank You for today. Yesterday was amusing. Lice. Broken water pipe. Crying. And even that wasn’t too bad.

Thank You for today. Help me with the girls today. Guide my decisions. Please, I need You.

It is so terribly lonely. Beyond compare. Christmas Eve. Nothing but an empty house.

Thank You for today. Help me.

After the water line broke, the toilet was not working. I had planned on trying to fix it and it started working again. Not being good at plumbing, I was so thankful. This morning I held back tears.

Thank You for today. Help me.

So much. I just do not want to deal with her. I know I have to for their sake. Lord, I need Your strength. Please give me Your strength.

Thank You for today. Please help.

Lord, I feel sick today. Sore throat. Thank You for the brief break from the girls to recharge. I love them and want to be well for them. Help me to maintain this.

I am very frustrated with Bethany. She is such a waste. She does not want to change and when the girls go back to her it will really put them in spiritual danger. I know You are in control. I know I need to trust You. I do not want her to go to hell. I do not want her to continue to corrupt me or her girls. No change has been seen in her. She is spiritually dead.

Thank You for today. Help me. I cannot do this without You.

Resolved, Never to lose one moment of time, but to improve it in the most profitable way I possibly can.

Can I ask why I do not have the same family connection as others? I still do not understand. I will not be accepted by many people and nearly zero on a more personal nature. Basically I cannot relate.

Thank You for today. Thank You for the sleep last night. Lord, I need Your strength. I need You to do all sorts of miracles. In me. In the girls. In Bethany. Only You can change us. I need help with my business.

Lord, I do not want to lose my kids because of this.

Thank You for today. Please dear Lord, help me.

Tonight has been rough. Aubree wants freedom to do whatever she wants so she wants her mom. The girls have problems remembering many things. This was a big thing but I did not realize how big or I guess I did not understand the depth of the problems created by Bethany. These seem to be much larger than what typical kids have. Rules seem to hurt her. She does not see the love. To go from near absolute freedom to rules has to hurt.

Instant gratification is a problem. There is no delay in getting what she wants when she is with mom. No discipline or order.

She read our Bible story and seemed very happy. Her moods change quickly. She has not learned control but she can.

Thank You for today. I am exhausted and sick. Barely. Tomorrow I get a bit more sleep. Abbee cried in her sleep. I tried to comfort her but I was so tired I could barely stay awake. I prayed for her as I woke up during the night. It was the best I had after getting up a couple times. I need Your strength Lord. Please help.

Thank You for today. Bethany gave up seeing her kids last night to get drunk. It has been nearly two weeks so she will begin to get used to someone else having her children. Lord, You have to work this out for Your glory and the girls. Please.

Both girls passed out asleep pretty early. I remember when my kids did that sort of thing. Last night Abbee said that I had a broken heart because Aubree had cried and “hated” me the day before. I had made Aubree put all her clothes away and she did not like that. Abbee was right. My heart was broken but Aubree read the Bible to us later and everything was good.

Thank You for today. Got the new mattresses yesterday. Put together the beds. Went to Chick-Fil-A. Today they have to come to work with me. I need Your strength Lord.

The pig from the movie Uptown girl is from Thailand.

Now I am sick. Something is not right.

Thank You for today. Help me.

Thank You for today. One day at a time. Please be with me.

Thank You for today. Thank You for the sleep. Please be with me today. I need You.

Bethany came the 29th and promised to come on the 31st. She did not come because she had to party instead. When she arrived late afternoon on the 1st she told the kids not to hug her too much because she partied too hard. We worked on her budget on the 2nd and afterwards she spent the rest of her time on Pinterest. Prior to the 29th there were two nights she came and spent the whole time watching videos. She did play games on some nights. She lost her phone on the 2nd so it is more difficult to avoid the kids. The girls will ignore her much of the time and the plead for her to stay after knowing she has to leave. They like drama.

Tiffanie asked if Bethany was any better with the girls. I do not think she is. Her attitude never seems correct. Tonight she talked about her problems. Even now they are too much for her. Last night as Kristen and I talked, Bethany complained. We asked how it could be so bad with fewer responsibilities. She didn’t really say but the impression was the kids were being ignored because they are responsible for themselves.

Both girls have different attitudes of blatant disrespect for other people. They both shut down when confronted with their bad behavior. Bethany does the same thing. I cannot begin. I just do not think Bethany can raise these girls.

Hopefully I can better document things starting today.

Thank You for today. School starts today. More normalcy and routine. Thank You Lord.

My heart hurts this morning. I almost started crying in front of Aubree. Everyone just wants Bethany to do what is right. She only thinks of herself. I found a note Aubree wrote – it was open on the counter. Praying for the CPS thing. It was very painful to see and know that even if Bethany gets them back she will not care for them any more than she absolutely has to. My prayers are never desperate enough. I am reminded that God suggested Bethany wold not be saved. OK so God said I was there to be used for the girls – not that I could save them but I could be used by God. Bethany would be lost. I do not want her to be lost. I cannot save people.

The girls both got green today. I am so proud. I thought day one back in school would be rough. They were well behaved at dinner and took care of business tonight without fuss. We prayed and off to sleep. No communication from Bethany. She called. Asked about her missing phone and not about the girls.

Thank You for today. Thank You for the rest. Today Abbee turns 6. Paula will pick them up from my office to take them to school. Then a full Wednesday. Give me the strength I need Lord.

Bethany called this morning to tell Abbee happy birthday. Abbee started calling me papa this morning.

Thank You for today. Thank you for the sleep. Bethany showed up at bed time on a school night. It was Abbee’s birthday which I believe is the only reason she came. I got them to bed about 8:20 and they were good. Thank You Lord. I need Your strength again today. Help me.

They asked Bethany if she was going to the party Friday. She would not commit which means she will most likely not go. I pray she does attend.

Lord, this world makes me sad. I do not know how we progress when we are so incompetent. I need help. I need Your strength. I need assurance. I have no idea what I need but You do. My heart hurts from this ordeal. I want joy but all I see is pain. It all seems so fake. What is life? A series of events that includes interaction with others to experience things? To make life for others better? To sacrifice your life for the benefit of others. I love You Lord, my source of strength.

Bethany did not come tonight. I am thankful. The girls are learning. It is very difficult to show discipline and structure mixed with love. I pray, dear Lord, I do what I need to do. I am desperate for Your help.

The do over story with Aubree. Abbee calls me papa sometimes. Thankful for the joy You gave me with good memories. Help me to hold on to those. Help me.

Thank You for today. Help me.

Thank You for today. Had a good time with my kids. Pizza and a movie. Had a good nights sleep – I think. Bethany called and talked for 30 minutes or so. She went to the party. She called from the party and after it. Aubree was disrespectful and Abbee was unappreciative. I think I will give grace. It seems the best route. Tonight I have them all back after a trip to my sister’s.

Fragments of happiness.

Thank You for today. Bethany came over and watched a movie with the girls. It was “Grace Unplugged” and the girls were not in the room most of the time. She called me an asshole for making a comment about her not believing in saving for vacation.

When the girls asked about Bethany coming on the 31st, I told them she was going to dinner with her mom and then a bonfire. I told them I was praying she didn’t get drunk. Aubree asked if there would be alcohol. I said “yes” and she said her mom would be drunk. I tried to tell Bethany but she refused to listen and believes her children are ignorant in the matter.

Since this started I found out (or remembered) that I heard third hand that Aubree has watched her mom have sex with people. I did not hear that from Aubree.

Some days Bethany appears to be trying but later it feels like it was all for show.

Today I picked up Bethany for church. She had lunch with us then slept while we went to the grocery store. Slept while we unloaded. Slept while Abbee worked on her snowman. Slept while the girls and I made enchiladas. Got up when we were done but did not play with the girls. After dinner she got on Pinterest until she went home.

Someone who remembers. That is a very important attribute for me.