Yesterday turned out to be a very mild day. On the drive to lunch, I repeated to myself something like “I have God and He is enough.” over and over. It felt reassuring.
Rejection and loneliness are bitter enemies of mine. As I was stopped unexpectedly last night for a conversation, I was asked if I had community and I said I was all alone. There was no hesitation. This is the pattern in my mind. I reflected on this at some point later – maybe in my dreams. I have God so I am not alone and there are people but for some reason I struggle to hold on to them.
Escaping this mind set is difficult.
I picked up my daughter later and we discussed the conversation I had had. She told me community might drop my depression level .25 or .5 points. She also told me to hold on to this – she understood the person to have followed through when it was just an alignment from God. But she is also correct that I need to hold on to this.
As we arrived home, I was explaining how a 4-5 on my depression scale was happy when compared to an 8-9. A drop like this will even make you question if you are still sad. I think I even remember zero days but when your mind is cloudy it is difficult to say for certain.
We talked about the divorce too. I do not recall how that part of the conversation came about. She didn’t really know the reason we got divorced. I had not intended to talk about that but it was out and it is best to be honest. It was a good evening.
I got pulled over by a cop last night. I was curious what I had done. I drive slow. I used my blinker. Turns out one small headlight was out. It was difficult to tell because there is another LED light around that headlight. He gave me a warning and I’ll get the bulb today. I was thankful not to get a ticket. I have never got a ticket.
Today…here we go…