If I Ever

My mom called me about two weeks ago.  Normal mom conversation except for her free will comment.  I do not think my parents were particularly happy to find out I was a Calvinist.  The horror you know.  Those people are evil.  This is just one of those things you deal with.

The good thing is God has been teaching me how to be alone with Him and Him alone.  I love my parents of course but I have never been particularly close to them or anyone.  I know people who call their parents daily and others who talk to them several times per week.  I have gone months without communication for no other reason than they cease to exist because I have ceased to think about them during that period of time.

I do not really understand why my mind works this way.  And I definitely do not understand why other minds work differently that this.  How can you want to be alone and yet want others around?  How can you want to be thought of and remembered and yet you are not able to remember others yourself?  It is just another strike against me.  And this is understandable.

That same day as I was reading through my feeds I came across an article title “On My Wedding Day“.  It was a very good article so I forwarded it to myself for reference.  The subject of the email was “If I ever get married”.

As soon as I sent it I was quite amused because of the realization I have had for many weeks now that I am meant to be alone.  I had written out goals late last year and one of them had to do with finding a wife and how it requires dating.  Dating of course requires that you ask someone out.  Asking someone out requires finding someone – but more specifically someone willing to put up with your particular type of crazy.  And that of course is not easy for me.

On February 14 of this year I wrote – I do want a wife and more children but believe it to not be in God’s will 2/14/15 – underneath the goal.  I have had a general peace about that.

It rained that day.