I Am Evil

I found this post from May also.  Decided it was worth posting.  It is a bit dark but it is real.  So real…

I am evil.  Being evil is not really satisfying.  Wanting to destroy people because they are not even real.  No value in them at all.  This desire is real and deep.

The extent of my evilness is saddening.  Yet, at some point I stop caring.  The grace of God refrains me greatly, no doubt.  If I had better control, more faith, more reliance.  Maybe.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”  –Psalm 16:2

Everything in my flesh wants to destroy.  Everything.  I can feel it.  The battle from Romans 7 wages on in my body and mind.  The more pain there is, the more I want to destroy.  The more corrupt my mind becomes.  If you only knew…

Shrouded in darkness.  It is different the past few weeks because people have ceased to be image bearers of God.  My mind, corrupted, deceived, blind.  Covered in darkness.  Not the kind I am used to, not the kind I know how to be safe in.  I have been here before but I do not like it.  Who am I really?  Evil.  Could you look at my life and tell?

This is a reason to hate myself.  You will never hate me as much as I hate me.  And even this is not the same.  No value to even hate myself greatly.  This state of mind is desperate for grace.

I suppose I can waste my life away.

Friday someone stopped by.  They cried over my state.  I’m not sure they knew the full extent of my depravity.  Only God and I know.  Will he allow me to escape?  What is the purpose?  *sigh*