Hidden Joy, Hidden Darkness

I just like that title.  I did not even have words selected for a post when that title came to mind, but now I may have found some words.

There are days where the pain, depression, and loneliness are intense.  I was told recently by a wise friend that it is always with me and I want to deny it of course but it is true, it is always with me.  Even in the most joyous times, there is a deep hidden darkness.  Is there anything under that darkness?  Just a bit of hidden joy, just a bit of Jesus.

Some days I am better at hiding it.  Some days I am better at relying on God to get me through.  Some days, well, I just wait for them to be over.

I recently had news that had me smiling for a full day.  It was surprising and beyond anything I had ever expected.  Yet even this could not keep me.  A week later my journal reads…

It is so dark.  Always dark.  You thought things would change.  Lord, I am holding on to you.  You are all I have.  You are all I need.  Lord help me pretend for the sake of others.  What a sad prayer.  I am a bit more desperate.  Beyond desperate.  Cling to you.

There is more.  There is almost always more.  The night before I fell asleep to Oceans by Hillsong.  Honestly I just wanted to hear the words – “You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Anything for a bit of peace.  Anything to know God is there with me.  That was the comfort I wanted, knowing God has never failed and that He was there with me.

I thought things would change.  And they have changed.  And they will continue to change.  But the one thing that I really cannot afford to change is my desperate dependence on God all the time.  Nothing can, nothing should replace Him.