I disconnected yesterday. It actually started Wednesday evening. I turned off WiFi and the phone. I spent much of the morning doing different things. I tried to pray, meditate, read the Bible, and I read a few sermons too. I ironed my clothes, ate food, and hit one of the trees in the back yard with a machete. No worries about email or texts. I turned on the TV mid-afternoon since it will not notify me of any form of human contact.
I turned WiFi and the phone back on this morning. I did not miss anything.
As I walked the block this morning, I saw people waiting for some stores on Boston Ave to open. I wonder what sort of “Black Friday” specials they have to create a line at a local shop. I do not wonder enough to look it up. I was planning on reading Ephesians since it can be completed while walking the block. I did not get very far. I have not been very far in my prayers lately either. It feels so dark and empty. The dark cloud lifted to some extent a week ago. Not enough to begin counting.
How far did I get in Ephesians? I’m glad you asked.
Ephesians 1:4 – For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love.
I read that over and over. Stared at it with thoughts and without thoughts. He chose us. In Christ. Before the foundation of the world.
That means he gave me grace with grace. Yesterday I felt a few moments of grace. It did not last. I cannot even feel it this morning. Looking at the words do not evoke any feelings. I have not felt alive in an amount of time that seems infinite. That could very well have been counted from the moment yesterday. Time feels eternal without grace. I ask how I could get it back but only God gives us this. I think I am desperate but I do not even know what that means.
Before the foundation of the world. Interesting words. Does he really mean that? What kind of grace is that? Is that a grace that can be understood?
I asked myself this morning (and many other days), “why me?”. There was no good reason to give me grace. And I squander it constantly. The time He gives me. The money He gives me. Squandered. I do not know how to stop. He gives that ability too.
You see that He did this that we may be holy and unblemished. They tell me His blood covers me. They tell me His grace is sufficient. Still I do not feel holy. But it says “in his sight”, holy and unblemished in his sight. Not my sight. Not your sight either. In his sight. Can this be true? The Bible says it is true. Holy in his sight. Unblemished in his sight. And he decided this before the foundation of the world. He knew I would be one of His elect. He knew I would fail miserably at serving Him and He still chose me. Grace.
What is this thing?