God Speaks

It is no secret that I struggle with intense loneliness brought about by self-loathing. Because of recent struggles and things that I have read, I decided to share a bit of God speaking to me over the past two weeks.  There have been some really bad days but He has been there through it all.

Monday this past week I was tired.  I typed up so many things for my weekly email and I was just not liking anything I wrote.  Or maybe more honestly I just didn’t want to send anything out.  I was just in a state of mind where I felt nothing good was going to come out of my email and I should just stop sending it out.  No one really cares anyway.  Then I got an email from Ms. Beulah thanking me for last week’s email.  She said the email was helpful and to say hi to my kids.

Then Tuesday I got an email from Kim (one of the women I met in Guatemala) and it brought tears to my eyes. This sister is an amazing woman and I was able to see a glimpse of God for a few hours that day because of the words God spoke into my life through her.  You see the night before we all went home from Guatemala, I did not sleep well.  The thought occurred to me to give Kim my Texas bandana as token of my love for her as a sister in Christ.  The next morning I resolved to give it to her on the bus ride to the airport.  When she was not in a conversation with anyone, I walked up and sat next to her and gave her the bandana.  I did not make a big deal about it.  But she was very proud to receive it and shared it with her group.  In her email she told me that she uses the bandana as a point of contact, prays for me often, and hopes that my intimacy with Jesus continues to grow.

Then Thursday afternoon I had to stop and get on my knees and pray because the pain was too much. I do not think I had been praying long when I got a text. I was perturbed by the interruption until I realized who it was from and that they had just sent me a Bible verse – Philemon 1:4-7.  I just sat there looking at the verse for about 13 minutes before I thanked Shilo.  And I sat there for some time after.

Philemon 1:4-7 – I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that the faith you share with us may deepen your understanding of every blessing that belongs to you in Christ. I have had great joy and encouragement because of your love, for the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother.

I love how God speaks directly to me through His people.  If I was not able to hang on to Christ during these times of great pain, there really would be no reason to go on. He is the hope I hold on to and I have often asked myself how people without Christ make it.  My dependence on Him grows as I try to understand what is going on.  Now God may never tell me what He is doing but I have the assurance that He will use everything in my life to glorify Him.