Every Word

Every word has manipulation in it.

Sometimes it is subtle.  Sometimes it is not.  Sometimes it is intentional.  Sometimes it is not.

I hear these words.  I watch for the manipulation.  It is not something I always want to see and still I see it.  One interesting thing is the way a person will attempt to use the same form (type maybe?) of manipulation.  They typically see what works and then utilize it again (and again).

There are many people in my life who believe they use these skills against me.  I’m not sure if they always realize they are doing it.  One of them will use the phrase “black and blue” against me.  I recognized it for what it was the first time they used it.  This one also believes that thanking me and praising me will help their goals.  They believe this because they want words of affirmation so they attempt to use that method on others.  A cry for love.

Who does not cry out for love?  Desperate in our own ways to be loved by someone, anyone.  I know I hate myself.  Self-loathing is a torture of my soul going way back.  And when you hate yourself, no amount of love can penetrate.  It all appears fake anyway and you have proven it to be just that.  Logic and reason, you know.

All except God’s love.  Faithful.  Steadfast.  Even when I hate myself.  Even when I sin against Him.  In the darkest time.  In the less dark times, His love never fails.  This is the love I try to grasp on to.  He holds on to me through it all.

Today was a good day.  I continue to learn how to pray.  It is a good experience.  A good prayer from Psalm 94 – When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.  There are many good prayers from this psalm but that was the one I liked best today.  I rested my mind which was very good for me.

Now I prepare for tomorrow.  I think I’ll rest a bit more before then.