I took a day trip yesterday. Saw a guy I knew from college. Didn’t meet his girlfriend/fiance. She had back surgery a few weeks back and is still in considerable pain. It was a good visit. Talking about whatever people talk about. I’m not really sure.
On the drive there I had a lot of time to think about nothing. It is a favorite pastime of mine. The drive back was a bit more of the same. The sadness was already welling up inside before I got home.
I could “blame” many things. A couple getting divorced. Another one near divorce. Others close to death. Others sick with disease. Others without hope. A pregnant addict. There are always work related issues including employees, clients, or cash flow. The list could continue on for a while, I am sure, but it is none of those.
God knows what is going on. I cannot voice it fully to anyone else. I’m already crazy enough. Plus I know what people would say. I can hear the reprimand from them. I can hear the actual voices and words used by each person.
During a talk with a man this week who is fighting for his life, his salvation, his everything – I asked him what the time frame was he was willing to spend to save his life, his everything. If you are not willing to spend the time it takes unto death, then you might as well surrender now. Surely this must relate to my situation as well. Otherwise God would not have reminded me that I said it. We think we may be ready to spend the time until death but are we really?
Of course I cannot seem to relate that to my situation. Even if I spend the time, we already know the outcome.
As I walked around the house, I decided I did not want to be the strong one. What a selfish thought. As if I have control over what God has determined for me. He made me this way.
Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. –Galatians 6:2
The crazy thing is, I’m not strong at all. I fall apart constantly and yet God keeps me together. In the situations He puts me in, God gives me strength, guidance, and everything I need. The ultimate reliance on Him.
Why do I have feelings? They seem useless. They seem like trouble. The pain yesterday evening was high.