David Brainerd

As I awoke this morning, my words to God were short as they have been for some time.

Thank You for today.  I am not sure what good I am doing for You or anyone.  The turmoil in my mind hinders most work that I should be doing.  The lack of caring is still the most concerning part, the most dangerous.  I desperately need You to pull me out.  I cannot escape on my own.  Sadly, as I stare at these words, I am not sure I care enough to want out.  I cried a lot yesterday.  I do not pray for others at all.  I do not even want to pretend to pray.  Futile! Futile!

I read Deuteronomy 30 and Psalm 149.  My prayer from Deuteronomy 30 was verse 6 – Lord, cleanse my heart.  I repeated it quite a bit throughout the morning.

As I was walking around 6:50 am, repeating those words, I got a text about David Brainerd.  The name did not sound familiar but the follow up text had me recalling this missionary life.  I remember an article talking about a chain of missionaries that began with him.  I looked him up and found his diary.  I had never read his diary until today.  I skimmed down to April 1, 1742.  April 6th part of the entry was “Then I cried to God to cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness”.

God did the whole word thing for me.  Cleanse my heart, O Lord.

It has been interesting reading entries from his diary.  On June 18 of that same year the words “my present deadness” appear.  My present deadness.  I wonder how many people feel that deadness.  I do not recall having the problem of deadness for as long as it feels now.  It has been around three weeks.  Depression is one thing.  Deadness is something else.  Something much worse.

It seems I begin to shake it but then fall right back into it.  Deadness.

And the words are still not right in my head.  Thought patterns fall apart.  They literally fall apart in my mind.  I like my words and patterns to stay together.

This is the third post I have written over the past few days.  It may be the first one I publish.  *sigh*