Consumes My Heart

A few weeks ago I was given a list of questions to answer.  I did not deliberate long on them.  I wanted my answers to be first time answers.

What one thing bothers you the most about the world?

That was the first question.  My answer was “my sin”.  I was the only one in the group with this answer.  It is difficult to look outward because the problems of the world begin inside me.

There are days when my mind is consumed with thoughts, evil thoughts.  This morning as all these evil thoughts are in my mind I silently scream and ask God to take me home.  I will not have these thoughts when I am home.  I tell Him that I cannot defeat these thoughts.  Half the time I do not even want to defeat them.  Or maybe there are no times when I want to defeat them.  I already feel defeated.

His grace keeps me, protects me so often.  One of my big desires, which I have discussed before, is the desire to destroy others.  My mind tells me if I can destroy people then I bring them down to my level or below me.  Yes, I realize this does not make any sense logically but thoughts like these are not logical or rational.  They are raw.

After the thoughts arise, I try to find where they came from.  It is an interesting study in the dynamics of thought patterns.  It has always been a futile endeavor except for knowing that the human heart is deceitful above all things.

Even now as I write this and try to talk to God, the thoughts are trying to consume me.   So easy Paul.  No one would know you let this slip or voiced this idea to cause a cascade effect.  Simple words.  I fear even in attempting to encourage others sometimes that it is done with the idea that it will destroy a third party.  *sigh*

Enoch walked with God and then he disappeared because God took him.  And then he disappeared.  It seems God taking me home is not in His plan for today.