Constant Fear

I feel constant fear.

Fear of rejection.  Fear of saying something dumb.  Fear of doing something dumb.  Fear of being me…

Hide that heart.

I fear putting my heart out there and it being crushed.  I even expect it to be crushed.  Listen to a little Black by Pearl Jam you know.

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life
I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky
But why, why, why can’t it be, can’t it be mine?

This was “my” song for many years.  I spent six weeks listening to only this song.  I drove my roommate insane with this song.

I tried to find comfort in it after moving out for the divorce but it was no longer home.  I have tried a few times since then but never felt it until this week.  I have not even been rejected in real life. I have only been rejected in my mind.  This is no different than a typical day really.

The sadness has been strong for some time.  But we can juxtapose that with the possible happiness and understand the confusion in my mind and my heart.

Do not read much into this.  If there was any hope for my sanity, God would surely have provided it by this point in time.