Self-Loathing

Take Me Home

pmbaker

It is a battle.  It hit me hard Sunday morning.  I had been up for a few hours without any problems and then one errant memory.  It isn’t the same pain but an old pain.  I plead for Him to take me home.  Desperate for the memories to leave me.

I love the verse in Philippians that says “I have a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far” because it is so true.  He follows it up by saying it is vital for their sake that he remain in the flesh.  And I have lost the belief that it is vital for anyone’s sake that I remain.  It is not vital.  The world would move on just fine.  Everyone would continue to live and I would be with Him, such joy.

Why won’t He take me?  Please Lord, take me home.  I am done with this place.  I cannot stomach it and I cannot even stand my own presence.  Lord, take me home.  Why do you think it is better to leave me here?  So I can suffer longer.  So I can suffer more intensely.  Take me home.

There were tears.  Many more thoughts.

Later in the morning I get a text with Psalm 126:5.  Sow tears. Reap joy.  That is unusual but I accept it and move on.  The tears continue to come and go.  On the floor wondering why I will have to endure this for countless eons.  Minute upon minute upon minute.  Endlessly.

Day after day knowing the futility of it all.  Of course there is the infinite sadness.  Yesterday was good until lunch.  Then I am brought low.  I wake up this morning and it is on me quick.  I am listening to the sadness and go for a walk.  God shows me something that eases the pain temporarily.  I do not want to hold on to that.  I could but I do not want to so it comes crashing back upon me.  I pray.  Emptiness.  Completely empty.

There are so many patterns.  Patterns everywhere.  Do you see them?  The madness within.

Time after time I think Oh Lord what’s the use.  Sooner or later in life the things you love you lose.  Those are the words to the sadness.  There are more words.  I have them all.  The good ones.  The bad ones.  All the words melt together.  It is nearing the time to pretend.  Let us go.

I Am Evil

pmbaker

I found this post from May also.  Decided it was worth posting.  It is a bit dark but it is real.  So real…

I am evil.  Being evil is not really satisfying.  Wanting to destroy people because they are not even real.  No value in them at all.  This desire is real and deep.

The extent of my evilness is saddening.  Yet, at some point I stop caring.  The grace of God refrains me greatly, no doubt.  If I had better control, more faith, more reliance.  Maybe.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”  –Psalm 16:2

Everything in my flesh wants to destroy.  Everything.  I can feel it.  The battle from Romans 7 wages on in my body and mind.  The more pain there is, the more I want to destroy.  The more corrupt my mind becomes.  If you only knew…

Shrouded in darkness.  It is different the past few weeks because people have ceased to be image bearers of God.  My mind, corrupted, deceived, blind.  Covered in darkness.  Not the kind I am used to, not the kind I know how to be safe in.  I have been here before but I do not like it.  Who am I really?  Evil.  Could you look at my life and tell?

This is a reason to hate myself.  You will never hate me as much as I hate me.  And even this is not the same.  No value to even hate myself greatly.  This state of mind is desperate for grace.

I suppose I can waste my life away.

Friday someone stopped by.  They cried over my state.  I’m not sure they knew the full extent of my depravity.  Only God and I know.  Will he allow me to escape?  What is the purpose?  *sigh*

The Doctor

pmbaker

I found this unpublished post from May.  I remember that time.  I wanted to experience the “people have no value” yesterday.  I pretend in my mind that feeling that way would have been “good” for me.  Ahhh, it was close.  Very close…

I have been watching Doctor Who lately.  The kids were all about it and so I finally decided to watch them.

It is a very sad show.

I remember the first book I liked.  The one that made me a reader, an avid reader.  To Kill a Mockingbird.  I determined the reason for liking the book later.  Atticus Fitch was someone I understood.  I probably mentioned this previously but who knows since I do not always publish what I write.

It seems the Doctor is someone I understand as well.  Every day feels like eternity.  And it is an eternity of loneliness.  Time just creeps by – it seems to be slower each day.  Moment after moment.  The time is filled up with “things” and none of them have much value at all.  Lately it has even felt as if people have no value.  I hold on to what I can but three weeks of this feeling may be worse than depression.  Do I care at all?

Someone told me I did care yesterday.  I told them how it was but they do not know my heart and thus they did not believe me.  Most people would not believe me.

So I loathed life because what happens on earth seems awful to me; for all the benefits of wisdom are futile—like chasing the wind.  –Ecclesiastes 2:17

You should see the “look” with each new adventure the Doctor has.  Oh let us fill the days with adventures so that we forget the eternity of loneliness we must endure.

I seem to be drawn to Ecclesiastes in times like these.  It seems I need to be reaffirmed in my understanding of the world.  How futile it all is.

The Old Me

pmbaker

I think I much prefer the old me.  He feels like home.  You know?

Monday morning, I began to crash and just repeated “into your hands I commit my spirit” a few times while in anguish.  He took it away.

Last night it began to creep in.  I was listening to “Lost On You” which I remembered makes me very sad.  You know just what I always like to be.

God seems to rip people away.  I wrote some words along those lines on Wednesday.  It seems most true.

Still, He has not allowed me to fall into the deep despair.  Monday will be the beginning of week 6, if it continues.  Yes, I count the days.  I count many things.

Today, honestly I both want to fall into that despair and do not want to fall.  It is an odd problem.  I tried to pray but that did not last long.  I just wanted to put words somewhere.  If only I could share the words from Wednesday but they are a lot to understand or misunderstand.  Will I rely on God to prevent the fall?  Will I allow myself to be taken once again into it?  What will the outcome be?

I woke up Monday morning with a song in my head.  The only song of his in my playlist.  It is one of my favorites right now.

I do not think this music is much better for my frame of mind but I do not stop listening to it.  Asking for trouble?  I suppose.  Why not ask?

Will couple 165 please take the floor?

There are projects to work on today.  I suppose I will accomplish some of them.  I’ll probably have to pause, stop the music so I can focus and stop dancing in my chair.

5 Years Ago

pmbaker

Five years ago, July 3, 2011, is a day I cannot forget.  It was the first time I had been to church service in quite some time.  I had been to Bible study, Sunday School, and other things but not a service where the Word of God is to be preached (Baptists sometimes call it “big church”).

I went with a hard heart.  And what I saw made me weep.  It was song after song of America worship.  Even the preaching of the Word was less about God and more about the worship of America.  This was my perspective of church on this holiday (and others like it).  It is still my perspective.  Which church has the biggest flags?  No wait, which one has the most small flags all over the grass?  No wait, which one has the most patriotic theme inside?  I could go on.  And there is no doubt that many (most?) of these people worshiped America more than they worshiped the God who created the universe.

I left church service that day and cried.  I cried for the church.  I cried for our country.  I cried for myself.  When did America become an idol for the church?  When did the time of worship for God turn into a worship of America?  Christian – this is not your country!  We are foreigners, exiles, sojourners in this world.  We are worshipers of the one true God.

The following day, July 4, 2011, the weeping continued.  I went to my office and opened my Bible and began reading Philippians.

Therefore, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort provided by love, any fellowship in the Spirit, any affection or mercy, complete my joy and be of the same mind, by having the same love, being united in spirit, and having one purpose.   –Philippians 2:1-2

When I got to those verses, the love of God overwhelmed me.  God saved me in that moment and my life changed.

I got a text this morning.

Praying that the pride in our nation that is preached today across our country will not hinder us from loving and going to the nations…this Sunday is a rough one for me.

My response was to be encouraged because God saved me five years ago on a holiday weekend just like this one.  It brought me to tears.  Weeping once more because of the grace He has poured into my life.  Despite all the bad things I continue to do, His grace has saved me.

I have been fighting apathy, bitterness, anger, and lack of caring for people for an amount of time I would rather not disclose.  I plead with God to free me of these things, put me back like I was, in love with Him and His grace, in love with the image bearer of God.  And yet here I am a broken vessel.  He reminded me of something this morning.  Something I now recognize that He has been showing me for a few days (weeks?) – God chose what is low and despised in the world, what is regarded as nothing (1 Corinthians 1:28), but I am a worm, not a man (Psalm 22:6), but who indeed are you—a mere human being—to talk back to God? (Romans 9:20).

Praise be to God that He delights in saving the sinful immoral outcast.  –David Platt

God came into this world to save sinners.  Like me.  Like you.  Praise be to God.

Suffering Terribly

pmbaker

Yesterday was Psalm 118:18.  Today was Psalm 119:107.

I am suffering terribly. O LORD, revive me with your word!

Oh that I could share such things without fear of someone thinking I was despondent to the point of death.  The mere mention of such things changes people.  So you keep it to yourself which is probably equally bad.  The LORD severely punished me but he did not hand me over to death.  And I cannot say I wish he would have.  I do not belong here.  I never have yet God has plans for me.  Plans I do not know.  Plans I cannot see.

I know the pain is important.  Yesterday the words He spoke to me were like no others.  He had not spoken to me like this in many months.

Who knows what has been accomplished for His glory.  Who knows what will be accomplished for His glory?  Revive me with your word…

Every Word

pmbaker

Every word has manipulation in it.

Sometimes it is subtle.  Sometimes it is not.  Sometimes it is intentional.  Sometimes it is not.

I hear these words.  I watch for the manipulation.  It is not something I always want to see and still I see it.  One interesting thing is the way a person will attempt to use the same form (type maybe?) of manipulation.  They typically see what works and then utilize it again (and again).

There are many people in my life who believe they use these skills against me.  I’m not sure if they always realize they are doing it.  One of them will use the phrase “black and blue” against me.  I recognized it for what it was the first time they used it.  This one also believes that thanking me and praising me will help their goals.  They believe this because they want words of affirmation so they attempt to use that method on others.  A cry for love.

Who does not cry out for love?  Desperate in our own ways to be loved by someone, anyone.  I know I hate myself.  Self-loathing is a torture of my soul going way back.  And when you hate yourself, no amount of love can penetrate.  It all appears fake anyway and you have proven it to be just that.  Logic and reason, you know.

All except God’s love.  Faithful.  Steadfast.  Even when I hate myself.  Even when I sin against Him.  In the darkest time.  In the less dark times, His love never fails.  This is the love I try to grasp on to.  He holds on to me through it all.

Today was a good day.  I continue to learn how to pray.  It is a good experience.  A good prayer from Psalm 94 – When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.  There are many good prayers from this psalm but that was the one I liked best today.  I rested my mind which was very good for me.

Now I prepare for tomorrow.  I think I’ll rest a bit more before then.

Another Beginning…

pmbaker

It looks like it has been about two weeks since I wrote here.  I was trying to determine the cause of this failure.

I know, the most recent week, poor sleep has been a factor.  Yesterday the tension, pressure, weight was intense.  I think I nearly passed out when I said the prayer to start a meeting yesterday.  I felt my eyes roll back into my head.  I barely finished it.  I told God I couldn’t get through it without Him.  I had been telling Him that for a few days.  After the prayer, everything got better.

I was able to glean information on the spiritual health of the others in the meeting.  This will help me in the future.  I really need more data but I take what I can get.  Now I have to prepare for the next meeting.  I told Ericka what I expected to happen based upon the words spoken.  The likelihood is high that it will come to pass.  How do I feel about it?  Mixed feelings.

Can I handle it?  By the grace of God, it seems I can do much.  I described my own spiritual health as desperate.  Right now…desperate.  Sadness wants to creep in.  Lack of sleep.  Scripture.  Pain.  Loneliness.  All contributing factors.  3pm and I’ve been up for 12 hours.  All the time…desperate.  I cannot rely on people.  Only God.  God alone can I rely on.  Psalm 118:8 – “It is better to take shelter in the LORD than to trust in people.”  A reason it is lonely.

I select music that will help the sadness along.  Taking me slowly, deeper into it.  I select the music on purpose.  The sadness sought is a past sadness (15-20 years ago) which is better than the current sadness.  Yes, we try to run away from the pain.  Is old pain really better?

My new prayers feel much more powerful.  Praying God’s Word more.  I really think this should be the standard for prayer.  I am confused why it is not taught.  Maybe it is and I don’t know it?

I also need a new system for understanding the Psalms.  How to use them in my daily life, in prayer.  I want to read them more but I feel trapped.  I do not know how else to explain the feeling.  I stare at the page thinking “I can’t read this because today is Psalm 92.”  I do not have that problem all the time.  I have read Jeremiah simultaneously in different translations and different sections and speeds.  Why are the Psalms tripping me up?  Maybe the Psalms are too happy.

Someone called this past week with a computer problem.  So we talked about the Bible for 46 minutes while we waited for the computer to be fixed.  I was encouraging someone with scripture from Job.  I was told this was not encouragement.  I only argued a little bit.

God provides all things.  Even the people, the workers, everything comes from Him.  Colossians 1:15-20

Seven Seconds

pmbaker

The difference between the subconscious and conscious mind – seven seconds.  That is a long time.

Ephesians 5:15 – Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Some people may think it is a short amount of time but it is really a long time.  Of course we all experience time differently and many believe it changes but it is a constant.  We must make the best use of the time we have because the days are evil.  Every second or seven seconds.  We look towards the future glory we have in Christ.  This drives us in the present and it drives us in our prayers.

Seven seconds is a long, long time.

 

You Caused Us To

pmbaker

I remember telling someone many months back that God gave me my depression.  They told me they did not believe that.  I did not really want to argue with them because their perception is different but I know He does.  The “thorn in my side” verse has been prevalent lately.  And I thought that depression might be mine, which I believe I have mentioned here before.

This morning Psalm 66:11

You led us into a trap; you caused us to suffer.  (NET)

You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs;  (ESV)

I like both translations for the word selection.  The word “suffer” in the NET has this connotation in my life but the word “crushing” in the ESV is also very powerful.  If it had said crushing burden on our chest then I would have related even more because that is where it feels most heavy.

God did this work.  He is sovereign.

Last night the burden was light.  Of course I was distracting my mind as best I could to avoid thinking.  This morning isn’t bad and so we pray God opens His word and shows us His gifts.

This morning I remembered something that I need to remember more often.  God gives us the love we need and not always the love we want.  Now I can receive the love He gives or reject it.  It is much better to receive love – no doubt – but so often we reject it.  Today we take steps to receive.