Prayer

I began a post and had not saved it yet when Chrome crashed.  I guess it was not meant to be read.

Do I have to write an entirely new one?  That’s such a bummer.  It was called “No Direction” because I don’t have any direction today.

I am just waiting and waiting.  I’m normally really good at that game (really good) but days that involve traveling I am not as good.

So what am I doing?  Listening to “We Built This City” by Starship.  You remember that song?  I think my father liked that song.  I do not recall exactly.  

This leads to serious YouTube problems.  Songs from those days.  They show up and I have to play just one more.  And still it is only 6:40ish.  Here we go…

I have a wonderful life.  I sometimes suffer pain from sadness, loneliness, depression.  I do not want or need your sympathy.  I do not want or need your suggestions on how to change my thought patterns (or anything else in my life) to avoid this pain.  Today I am documenting my experience from yesterday for informational purposes only.  Again, I do not want or need your sympathy.

I wake up and it is not instantly upon me.  It is there, deep in my chest.  I can feel it but the weight is not heavy.  I wake my son up so he can get ready for school.  I make myself busy because that provides temporary relief.  I drop him off at school and my head is under water.  I get to work and dread the schedule but God gives me enough strength to get to my first appointment.  I solve the problem and chat with the client.

I return to the office.  It isn’t so bad.  I remote into a few computers and begin to resolve more problems.  I am masking it now.  I know the difference in myself.  One of my employees walks in and I make a comment about having no friends.  It is difficult to avoid using words like this when the pain is so intense.  It was so painful I could not think properly.  I go to a meeting and I find it unlikely that I hid the pain I was in.  I eat lunch.  Just another short distraction (5 minutes or less).

The pain continues to crash upon me.  It won’t stop.  Someone drops off some money to me.  I try to act like I am not in pain.  But there is no telling what they thought.  I meet someone to go vote early.  They see the pain in me.  It is too severe to hide at this point.  I fake a smile for a picture and return to work.  Head to the bank to deposit the money that was brought to me.  Find out I did not count the money properly.  The mind was gone well before that occurred.  Return to my office.  A respite.  Even so brief.

Dad calls.  Wants to schedule a weekend with Blaine.  I barely have enough strength to have a conversation with him.  Why won’t he stopped talking to me?  Please Lord, make him stop.  Make them all stop.  The call is over.  I can focus on the pain again.

My daughter texts me about my plans tonight as if this socialite had plans.  Seems there is a movie she wants to see.  Then she arrives at my office.  Our dinner and movie date is schedule.  The pain continues.  I make it through the next hour at work, by the grace of God, only His grace gets me through.  I did not accomplish anything but I survived.  I pick up both my kids and head out to eat.  We arrive but wave after wave of pain is crashing upon me.  I do not hear the words they are saying.  I am barely holding myself together.  Holding back tears.  I remember three waves during the 45 minute dinner.  There might have been four waves but I’m not sure.  I do know that I finished my food in three minutes – Kristen timed me for some reason.

My mind, normally well ordered, is in disarray.  It has been most of the day.

We head out to the movies.  I was hit at least once by a wave of pain on our way.  Now distraction.  My daughter next to me, laughing, joking.  Another brief relief from the pain.  Yet it is quick to return.  We are not out of the theater yet and I can feel the wave building.  Slowly building inside me.  I drop them off, head home, and crash into bed.  Free from this last wave of the day.

Today begins…

I could have described additional points to yesterday but my mind still lacks focus so I will have to leave it at that.  Two weeks ago ended my 110 day streak of days without major depression.  I experience the sadness most days but those 110 days were probably the longest streak I have ever had.  At least I do not recall ever counting that high before.

I was just thinking about the focus on the pain.  I am wondering if that helps ease the pain or intensifies it.  If the Lord sees fit I will contemplate that today.

I saw something today that just knocked the wind out of me – as they say.  I escaped it for a bit thinking about “forward thinking” and then “free thinking” (if such a thing can exist).

I broke down and upgraded my Logos 4 Bible study software to Logos 7 which was just released.  I got a lot of new references with the upgrade.  I think about 800 new books and the like.  I was most excited about the sermons of Charles Spurgeon.  I found volume one and read the intro.  That will be a project – read the hundreds (thousands?) of sermons by Spurgeon.

The emotions returned.  They pulled me down pretty far.  Ericka distracted me the second time.

I would enjoy a nice conversation about the ramifications of autonomous cars, asteroid mining, whether free will exists or not, or something along those lines.  One with a spouse who knew me.  I am thankful for what I do have.  I remember just last week continuing a conversation with Kristen on “Black Lives Matter”.  That was a two hour joy.  Oh, it was not all on that topic of course.  We discussed many things as I am sure we will discuss again this Wednesday.

She has enjoyed her entrepreneurship class in high school so far.  Thus, part of our talk was on businesses.  She already has the idea for the business plan she will write for the end of the class assignment.  A marketing company – using social media.  I would actually be interested in seeing her attack the idea from a mobile perspective.  The business name (idea) “Mobile Marketing Ingenuity” has been in my mind for over a year.  I remember when it occurred to me and how I was missing something.  I have still not found that missing piece.

I know I was attempting to combine several ideas into one and I kept reaching and reaching.  Yes, I will attempt to remember this in our next talk.  I imagine this could be combined with autonomous cars.  Yes, that is the direction we should progress towards.

On a business note, I still have not found a partner or two for the new business.  And yesterday at some point I was able to integrate another idea into the business and create a third business out of the one idea.  It will be rather interesting if God allows me to do any of this.  When I was talking to Him yesterday, I told Him I couldn’t do any of this without Him.  There are very specific things that need to occur for any of my projects to progress and eventually succeed.  None of which are under my control.

So I began to crash again tonight.  Writing has helped slow it but not stopped it.  I have been praying the verses in Daniel 2 for a few days.  Daniel 2:20-23.  The beginning of verse 21 says “He changes times and seasons” and that is very true.  I have not surrendered the day to the sadness.  If God does keep me one more day, His name will be praised forever and ever.  If God does not, His name will still be praised forever and ever.  It is a great prayer so go ahead and read it.

It is only 8pm.  I suppose I will try to read a bit more.  That is always a distraction of some level for the mind.