The Doctor

I found this unpublished post from May.  I remember that time.  I wanted to experience the “people have no value” yesterday.  I pretend in my mind that feeling that way would have been “good” for me.  Ahhh, it was close.  Very close…

I have been watching Doctor Who lately.  The kids were all about it and so I finally decided to watch them.

It is a very sad show.

I remember the first book I liked.  The one that made me a reader, an avid reader.  To Kill a Mockingbird.  I determined the reason for liking the book later.  Atticus Fitch was someone I understood.  I probably mentioned this previously but who knows since I do not always publish what I write.

It seems the Doctor is someone I understand as well.  Every day feels like eternity.  And it is an eternity of loneliness.  Time just creeps by – it seems to be slower each day.  Moment after moment.  The time is filled up with “things” and none of them have much value at all.  Lately it has even felt as if people have no value.  I hold on to what I can but three weeks of this feeling may be worse than depression.  Do I care at all?

Someone told me I did care yesterday.  I told them how it was but they do not know my heart and thus they did not believe me.  Most people would not believe me.

So I loathed life because what happens on earth seems awful to me; for all the benefits of wisdom are futile—like chasing the wind.  –Ecclesiastes 2:17

You should see the “look” with each new adventure the Doctor has.  Oh let us fill the days with adventures so that we forget the eternity of loneliness we must endure.

I seem to be drawn to Ecclesiastes in times like these.  It seems I need to be reaffirmed in my understanding of the world.  How futile it all is.

Waves of Pain

I have a wonderful life.  I sometimes suffer pain from sadness, loneliness, depression.  I do not want or need your sympathy.  I do not want or need your suggestions on how to change my thought patterns (or anything else in my life) to avoid this pain.  Today I am documenting my experience from yesterday for informational purposes only.  Again, I do not want or need your sympathy.

I wake up and it is not instantly upon me.  It is there, deep in my chest.  I can feel it but the weight is not heavy.  I wake my son up so he can get ready for school.  I make myself busy because that provides temporary relief.  I drop him off at school and my head is under water.  I get to work and dread the schedule but God gives me enough strength to get to my first appointment.  I solve the problem and chat with the client.

I return to the office.  It isn’t so bad.  I remote into a few computers and begin to resolve more problems.  I am masking it now.  I know the difference in myself.  One of my employees walks in and I make a comment about having no friends.  It is difficult to avoid using words like this when the pain is so intense.  It was so painful I could not think properly.  I go to a meeting and I find it unlikely that I hid the pain I was in.  I eat lunch.  Just another short distraction (5 minutes or less).

The pain continues to crash upon me.  It won’t stop.  Someone drops off some money to me.  I try to act like I am not in pain.  But there is no telling what they thought.  I meet someone to go vote early.  They see the pain in me.  It is too severe to hide at this point.  I fake a smile for a picture and return to work.  Head to the bank to deposit the money that was brought to me.  Find out I did not count the money properly.  The mind was gone well before that occurred.  Return to my office.  A respite.  Even so brief.

Dad calls.  Wants to schedule a weekend with Blaine.  I barely have enough strength to have a conversation with him.  Why won’t he stopped talking to me?  Please Lord, make him stop.  Make them all stop.  The call is over.  I can focus on the pain again.

My daughter texts me about my plans tonight as if this socialite had plans.  Seems there is a movie she wants to see.  Then she arrives at my office.  Our dinner and movie date is schedule.  The pain continues.  I make it through the next hour at work, by the grace of God, only His grace gets me through.  I did not accomplish anything but I survived.  I pick up both my kids and head out to eat.  We arrive but wave after wave of pain is crashing upon me.  I do not hear the words they are saying.  I am barely holding myself together.  Holding back tears.  I remember three waves during the 45 minute dinner.  There might have been four waves but I’m not sure.  I do know that I finished my food in three minutes – Kristen timed me for some reason.

My mind, normally well ordered, is in disarray.  It has been most of the day.

We head out to the movies.  I was hit at least once by a wave of pain on our way.  Now distraction.  My daughter next to me, laughing, joking.  Another brief relief from the pain.  Yet it is quick to return.  We are not out of the theater yet and I can feel the wave building.  Slowly building inside me.  I drop them off, head home, and crash into bed.  Free from this last wave of the day.

Today begins…

I could have described additional points to yesterday but my mind still lacks focus so I will have to leave it at that.  Two weeks ago ended my 110 day streak of days without major depression.  I experience the sadness most days but those 110 days were probably the longest streak I have ever had.  At least I do not recall ever counting that high before.

I was just thinking about the focus on the pain.  I am wondering if that helps ease the pain or intensifies it.  If the Lord sees fit I will contemplate that today.

Gall of Bitterness

The gall of bitterness.  It runs deep.  It consumes.  Freedom can occur but slavery soon returns.  I wish I could pronounce its demise but alas that cannot be.

Last night I told someone how deeply they were loved.  They said I was too but I just could not see it.  I told them even if I was I reject it.  I do not know how I could be loved by anyone but God.  Who is man that I should trust in him?  I know man and I cannot put trust in him.  Bitterness mixed with knowledge and truth are dangerous.

I scoff at the idea that a person could love me.  Do not think a state of mind could alter this.  I tolerate the idea when in the best of moods but accept it gladly in the depths of despair.  Let us just ignore facts.  Let us ignore reality.  My heart “knows” the emptiness.  My soul knows the void.

I have been reminded of late of Shakespeare.

by sleep to say we end the heartache and thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to

It continues on of course.  Lovely words.

I read words for so many people.  I see you here.  I see them there.  But where are the words for me?  He brought THEM out of darkness but He seems to have left me in it.  Yes, there is a reason He left me there.  To be His light in that darkness.  What a battle.  Ahh, tell me again why He gives some strength that others do not have?  To each was given grace.  Grace, I tell you, grace.

The one thing, the only thing, grace.  All else flows from that.  It is much more than the common grace but a saving grace.

117 Psalms

It is a particularly small psalm.

For great is his love toward us

Those words are so beautiful and sweet to the ear.  And the grace to know these words is a wonderful gift.  One we do not always receive.

It seems like a good prayer – give us the grace to know how great your love is toward us.  Amen.

110 Days

Well it was good while it lasted, right?  *sigh*

Is it best to just embrace it?  Ride the waves instead of fighting against them.  Fighting is of little to no value anyway.  It is particularly difficult today because it has been some time since the pain has lasted this long.  It began Saturday.  The fault is mine but it was not intentional (not that it matters much).  Sunday I was able to subdue it, mostly.

Today not so much.

Now I sit in my office listening to Portishead.  With words written on actual paper.  I dream of a person that wants to talk about something deep.  The Moral Landscape would be a good topic given I’m reading that book now but any topic of greater depth than the weather would be acceptable.  I suppose that is not easy to come by.  Polite conversation and all.  It is like slow starvation.

There is a conference call in about an hour.  I’m on the agenda.  I suppose that means speaking.

It seems like a cruel joke.  I have a great selection that I want to post tomorrow and the quote itself isn’t as amazing as a few others I have highlighted lately but my snide comment amuses me greatly.  This of course means I cannot post it.  To many misinterpretations of words.

I have attempted to recall a point where I counted that high.  I just cannot say.  It seems unlikely because of my counting system.  I remember I could count like clockwork when contact would occur.  Always less than 7 days.  Then we went to 8 days.  It was quite a wonder.  It never exceeded 12 days – at least to my recollection.  It would be interesting to count another contact but I did not find value (fun) in it.

Last week I had an interesting question about women preachers.  I told the person if they were not willing to submit to God’s Word when they found the answer, it was pointless to ask the question.  They responded of course but only the one time.  Once scripture began to be discussed, the correspondence ended.  Honestly, I expected it.  They know the answer.  It is like the one thing in all our lives where we know and do not “accept” it.

Every Thought

So often it feels like every thought in my mind is fighting against me.  Every one of them.

Take every thought captive, it says.  Make it obey Christ, it says.

I wake up with the thoughts swirling in my mind.  One after another.  Last night on my knees in prayer.  Expectant prayer.  Knowing I cannot do anything without Him.  My identity is in Him and still I fight.  This morning I wrote words about running away.  Where could I run from myself?  From my own mind?  Distractions during the day help but not enough.  Always in prayer.  Till the night comes and I ask for just enough peace to rest my weary mind.  Trusting in Him yet again for whatever I receive.

Waking up for no reason and again surrendering the thoughts to Him.  How often I surrender this way is upon Him.

I know when this battle really began, when He saved me.  It was slow at first but has grown over the years.  I have thought my mind was decently organized, not of my own doing but by His grace alone.  Yet it is far from where it needs to be.  Every thought captive.  At some point in the past (I’ll share my time thought pattern later if time permits), I realized that I could give up these thoughts to Him.  “Lord, this thought is not fitting a man of God, I cannot escape it, You must take it.”  Pride is the biggest one but desires of the heart is there too.  Along with many others.  I could be on my knees all day surrendering thoughts to Him.  And still they come.  Relentlessly.

Today, once again.  Here we go…

Time thought pattern – I was white boarding recently and I realized that when I store memories, I store them without reference to time (for the most part).  It is very interesting as I look upon the memories in this way.  So much in the past was as if it occurred only moments ago.  I attempt not to store great detail but that is not easy.  Data input is significant and the mind takes in much more than we could ever realize.  Yes, there is more but I do not want to write much longer.

We seek small victories today.  Victories in the Lord.  In Him Alone.  Knowing that He takes every thought captive for us.  He helps us each step of the way to manage all that we are so that we can serve Him with every fiber of our being.

Words She Wrote

I saw a draft post just now.  Words she wrote about me years ago.  I did not read the words.  I did not need to.  I remember them.  Part of it has to do with being all things to all people.  That’s love right?  Being all things to all people…

How else can you serve them unless you are what they need?

I’ll begin here with saying I have not fallen so do not fret.  I am trying to fall but I doubt I will be able to succeed.  I created a few scenarios of life.  I reminded myself, as best I could, that it matters not.  Scenario one was quickly dashed.  Scenario two equally dashed.  I may have just deleted the second one.  I do not recall if it was the second or the third.

I wrote the above two days ago.  I am still trying to fall.  Still failing.  *sigh*  Grace.

I wanted to read more this weekend.  I wanted to accomplish more.  I accomplished little.  I did finish a book but I was mostly done with it when the weekend started so it doesn’t really count.  I needed to think upon things.  I needed to pray for a miracle.  I prayed quite a bit.  I cannot accomplish the task set before me without God which has made me quite desperate.  But not desperate enough.  :/

I think about time and the future requirements.  So much seems like it needs to be happening soon and yet what?  Me.  Excuse.

Yes, I tell myself I need the weekend to recharge.  My mind does not always accept this idea.  Hmmm, does it ever.  I suppose.  I cannot hide from even my own intensity.  I scare myself.  I pray.  The mind wanders.  Back on track.  Off track again.  Align this.  Align that.

The eyes.  I wonder if they are really that color.

The Edge of Forever

The City on the Edge of Forever…

He stops himself from saving her.  She dies so that the world will return to the way it was.

I remember the sadness.  The heart hurts, aches.

Oh, I knew the pain was intense if I could feel it.  So I prayed for you.  I knew it was your pain because it was so familiar.  I almost shared the prayer with you but had to refrain.  The next night you told me of the pain you were suffering.  I did not need to know the details because they would not change the feelings.  I told you I would pray more and I did.

Is it always the same?

I was reading a book and continued to be awed by God’s grace.  I could not help myself.  Acknowledge and glorify the God who created the heaven and earth.  Joy beyond understanding.

I do not want to see you.  I do not want to feel your pain.  Yet it to is a gift from God.  I do not know if this sadness is my own.

Recently God gave me the word “creation”.  I kept trying to put the pieces together but my mind could not.  After reading a different book, more words came to mind.  Words that could be combined to create real ideas.  Ideas for advancement.  It is a beautiful thing to get this.

There is still more to read.  More to accomplish.  More to push forward on.

I would love to fall tonight.  Into the deep sadness.  I wonder if God would let me…

He Changes Times…

I saw something today that just knocked the wind out of me – as they say.  I escaped it for a bit thinking about “forward thinking” and then “free thinking” (if such a thing can exist).

I broke down and upgraded my Logos 4 Bible study software to Logos 7 which was just released.  I got a lot of new references with the upgrade.  I think about 800 new books and the like.  I was most excited about the sermons of Charles Spurgeon.  I found volume one and read the intro.  That will be a project – read the hundreds (thousands?) of sermons by Spurgeon.

The emotions returned.  They pulled me down pretty far.  Ericka distracted me the second time.

I would enjoy a nice conversation about the ramifications of autonomous cars, asteroid mining, whether free will exists or not, or something along those lines.  One with a spouse who knew me.  I am thankful for what I do have.  I remember just last week continuing a conversation with Kristen on “Black Lives Matter”.  That was a two hour joy.  Oh, it was not all on that topic of course.  We discussed many things as I am sure we will discuss again this Wednesday.

She has enjoyed her entrepreneurship class in high school so far.  Thus, part of our talk was on businesses.  She already has the idea for the business plan she will write for the end of the class assignment.  A marketing company – using social media.  I would actually be interested in seeing her attack the idea from a mobile perspective.  The business name (idea) “Mobile Marketing Ingenuity” has been in my mind for over a year.  I remember when it occurred to me and how I was missing something.  I have still not found that missing piece.

I know I was attempting to combine several ideas into one and I kept reaching and reaching.  Yes, I will attempt to remember this in our next talk.  I imagine this could be combined with autonomous cars.  Yes, that is the direction we should progress towards.

On a business note, I still have not found a partner or two for the new business.  And yesterday at some point I was able to integrate another idea into the business and create a third business out of the one idea.  It will be rather interesting if God allows me to do any of this.  When I was talking to Him yesterday, I told Him I couldn’t do any of this without Him.  There are very specific things that need to occur for any of my projects to progress and eventually succeed.  None of which are under my control.

So I began to crash again tonight.  Writing has helped slow it but not stopped it.  I have been praying the verses in Daniel 2 for a few days.  Daniel 2:20-23.  The beginning of verse 21 says “He changes times and seasons” and that is very true.  I have not surrendered the day to the sadness.  If God does keep me one more day, His name will be praised forever and ever.  If God does not, His name will still be praised forever and ever.  It is a great prayer so go ahead and read it.

It is only 8pm.  I suppose I will try to read a bit more.  That is always a distraction of some level for the mind.

The Old Me

I think I much prefer the old me.  He feels like home.  You know?

Monday morning, I began to crash and just repeated “into your hands I commit my spirit” a few times while in anguish.  He took it away.

Last night it began to creep in.  I was listening to “Lost On You” which I remembered makes me very sad.  You know just what I always like to be.

God seems to rip people away.  I wrote some words along those lines on Wednesday.  It seems most true.

Still, He has not allowed me to fall into the deep despair.  Monday will be the beginning of week 6, if it continues.  Yes, I count the days.  I count many things.

Today, honestly I both want to fall into that despair and do not want to fall.  It is an odd problem.  I tried to pray but that did not last long.  I just wanted to put words somewhere.  If only I could share the words from Wednesday but they are a lot to understand or misunderstand.  Will I rely on God to prevent the fall?  Will I allow myself to be taken once again into it?  What will the outcome be?

I woke up Monday morning with a song in my head.  The only song of his in my playlist.  It is one of my favorites right now.

I do not think this music is much better for my frame of mind but I do not stop listening to it.  Asking for trouble?  I suppose.  Why not ask?

Will couple 165 please take the floor?

There are projects to work on today.  I suppose I will accomplish some of them.  I’ll probably have to pause, stop the music so I can focus and stop dancing in my chair.