Afraid Of The Words

My mind has not been clear for months.  Even during the 110 days, it was not as clear as I wanted it so in the darker times the fog is thick.

I read sentences several times and still miss critical words.  They are completely wrong.  I wrote something last night and was just disappointed in myself.  If these had been among hundreds of words, it would have been a bit more understandable but it was among dozens of them.

I thank God regardless.  I have remembered (again) to ask that my life glorify Him, that He provide my daily bread, and that He forgives me and helps me grow into the likeness of His Son.

It has been a good few days of talking to God.  Less than a week of this.  It would be great if He would make it a habit in me.  A heart of thankfulness for what I have.  The bounty.

I am still afraid of the words so I will stop here.

Idle Hands, Empty Words

I was asked earlier this week about my book.  I informed the person I was no longer writing it.  They told me I should pick it back up.  They told me to write about my depression and God’s grace.  I suppose those are two topics I am familiar with.  I would love to write professionally.  I love words.  I love placing them and arranging them so that they evoke feelings, even if they are just my own.  Words are powerful.

Sadly, I feel myself incapable of the task.  And probably more so, unwilling.

A few weeks back I read a brilliant math article.  I was just enthralled with the ideas in the article and wanted to be a math nerd.  I wish I could share this desire to the full extent.  I downloaded a book on Calculus that I have acquired a few years ago and began to read.  I finished the first page and realized I would never become the math nerd I desire to be.  So I removed the book and abandoned the idea.  I knew it was for the best.  I have an entire mind map devoted to dead ideas.  I can’t even get my Greek studies back on track, how will I get math studies started?

How will I write this book?  If I did, who would read it?  Why would they read it?  What is the value of it?  Of books there is no end, right?

I opened up some old words I had written.  Words from March 2014.  I will share a small paragraph.

I am sure you would like some uplifting word.  I can give you all the words of encouragement you need bar none.  But we do not need encouragement.  We need desperation.  I’m going to give it to you the only way I know how right now – with words.  I will tell you stories of the people I love.  The story of “A” who is lost in her own lasciviousness.  The story of “B” who is lost in laziness.  The story of “C” who is lost in worldliness.  The story of “D” who is lost in anger.  The story of “E” who is lost in hatred towards God.  The story of “F” who is lost in anger and needs love.  The story of “G” who is lost in people.  The story of “H” who is lost and doesn’t care .  The story of “I” who is lost inside cultural Christianity.  The story of “J” who is lost in life.  The story of “K” who is held captive.  The story of “L” who is in bondage.  The story of “M” who is lost in depression.  The story of “N” who is lost in a fake life.  The story of “O” who is lost in drugs.  The story of “P” who is also lost in drugs.  The story of “Q” who is one of countless more people in need of prayer.  Prayer that I cannot give or fail to give or tire of giving.

The most telling part of this for me was the last line.  Prayer that I cannot give or fail to give or tire of giving.  It gives me chills.

There is so much more from that one page (882 words – the program counts them for me).  I imagine that writing will reduce my idle hands.  I have that project I want to do next year but I surrendered that project already.  Maybe I could modify it in some way.  I need to think about words and my Greek lessons again.  Maybe I can pray God pushes me back into it.  Sadness still rules.

Take Me Home

It is a battle.  It hit me hard Sunday morning.  I had been up for a few hours without any problems and then one errant memory.  It isn’t the same pain but an old pain.  I plead for Him to take me home.  Desperate for the memories to leave me.

I love the verse in Philippians that says “I have a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far” because it is so true.  He follows it up by saying it is vital for their sake that he remain in the flesh.  And I have lost the belief that it is vital for anyone’s sake that I remain.  It is not vital.  The world would move on just fine.  Everyone would continue to live and I would be with Him, such joy.

Why won’t He take me?  Please Lord, take me home.  I am done with this place.  I cannot stomach it and I cannot even stand my own presence.  Lord, take me home.  Why do you think it is better to leave me here?  So I can suffer longer.  So I can suffer more intensely.  Take me home.

There were tears.  Many more thoughts.

Later in the morning I get a text with Psalm 126:5.  Sow tears. Reap joy.  That is unusual but I accept it and move on.  The tears continue to come and go.  On the floor wondering why I will have to endure this for countless eons.  Minute upon minute upon minute.  Endlessly.

Day after day knowing the futility of it all.  Of course there is the infinite sadness.  Yesterday was good until lunch.  Then I am brought low.  I wake up this morning and it is on me quick.  I am listening to the sadness and go for a walk.  God shows me something that eases the pain temporarily.  I do not want to hold on to that.  I could but I do not want to so it comes crashing back upon me.  I pray.  Emptiness.  Completely empty.

There are so many patterns.  Patterns everywhere.  Do you see them?  The madness within.

Time after time I think Oh Lord what’s the use.  Sooner or later in life the things you love you lose.  Those are the words to the sadness.  There are more words.  I have them all.  The good ones.  The bad ones.  All the words melt together.  It is nearing the time to pretend.  Let us go.

You Were Darkness

I have an unpublished post titled “Words of Darkness” that I began and have not been able to complete.  It is 212 words so I could probably post it as is but there is no completeness to it.  I have the words of darkness.

As I read Ephesians yesterday morning, I got to chapter five and realized how verse eight had been opened up to me months ago.

for you were at one time darkness, but now you are light in the Lord

If Christ has not saved you then you are darkness now.  When I was darkness, I did not feel like I was darkness.  But now I am light in the Lord.  I am not light out of the Lord because without Him I am darkness still.  But with Him…

There is no good apart from Him.  I am quite cognizant of this.  Aware of my total depravity.  Trying to hold on to the knowledge that I am holy in his sight.  It is not an easy thing to hold on to.

I have a new project I started yesterday.  I like this project but it seems like a difficult one to complete.  I decided to begin it and thus try to complete it.  If I give the project a probability of success, does that mean I am dooming it to failure?  It seems so.

Normally God gives me the designation for my years in October.  This year of prayer has been a learning experience.  One I will continue forever.  I have been trying to decide if I thought it was a successful year.  It does not feel successful but I do not think this can be determined without reflection from a future point in time.

But what about next year?  I think it may be the year of God’s Word.  We shall see.

Here Begins…

I was introduced to a poem recently.

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life

Dante Alighieri

I had to hunt it down after hearing it.  I had to write the words on paper to feel them.  I had to recite the words to know them.  I had to memorize the words to make them a part of me.

Everything and Nothing

I decided I want to be a math nerd.  Math has always been an interesting topic to read about and I understand some fundamental elements of it but there are things much deeper.

I read a math article yesterday and another this morning.  Then I saw a TED talk on math this morning.  I thought about it for moments on end.  How much fun would that be.  To see things in math because we know life boils down to math and science.  Yes, really just math but I like using both words.  As the moments rolled on in my head, I thought about one other language I wanted to know, Greek.

You would think someone with as much time as I have would know dozens of languages.  God just did not seem fit to give me some abilities.

One of the things God gave me that I appreciate most is time.  I see and hear other people that do not have time and realize just how much God has really given me.  I find it difficult to grasp how these people do not have time but I try to accept it.  It is not easy.  There are many things like this that I do not understand.  I may never understand them.

It is almost lunch time.  I am thinking about seeking out some pain.  I imagine that will taste good – blazin’ sauce from Buffalo Wild Wings.  I will probably talk myself out of it before I even get that far.

What Is Truth?

The purpose.  The truth.  The emptiness.

Absolutely futile! Everything is futile!  –Ecclesiastes 1:2

Oh that does not mean we do not live life.  Exist and do our duty.  Maintain some semblance of decorum in the world.  Of course we do those things.

If only I believed that right now.  If only I believed anything.  I’d say it was a selfishness I was holding on to but that would not be entirely true.  I would say it was a desire to destroy others and myself.  Who knows what I believe at this moment.  I am sure I do not know.

Everything really is meaningless.  Wisdom.  Pleasure.  Folly.  Toil.  Advancement.  Riches.  Oh, I could go on but Ecclesiastes really embraces it all.

I told someone a few weeks back that Ecclesiastes was not the best book when in this state of mind.  How true but it is one of the books I am drawn to.  I know I could distract myself for countless hours but that would be meaningless.  Life would still exist in this state.  I would do anything and nothing.  Anything and nothing.

I can see now the steps leading towards destruction.  They are in my mind.  Eating away at me.  They like to repeat the word “destroy”.  I hear you over there.  Seeking my destruction.  I remember.  I do.  And you see, I could achieve those things with very little effort.  Destroy.  Destroy.  Destroy.

The heart of evil.

You know I have heard the words “return to the breath” quite a few times the last few weeks.  I began two different podcasts.  One by my good friend (I do not really know him), Sam Harris.  And another about Secular Buddhism.  It has been an interesting learning experience.  The thoughts come into existence and then disappear.  Yes, so as I return to the breath the idea of destruction is removed.  The main point is there is no other thought.  All patterns are zero.  I have achieved zero before (many times).  I do not think I have realized I achieved zero while being zero.  Only after the fact.  Yet we are supposed to see this zero while experiencing it.  I have set aside time for this thought pattern.  It will be of great study interest.

There it is.  Destroy.  It was only gone moments.  Again – return to the breath.  It sounds all Zen, I know.  Zen.

As the “Zen Master” speaks, what does he say?  I suppose I will need to read a book or two.  But given the amount of introspection I do.  The focus of the mind that I maintain.  I can say that I can see the “truth” in the words.  I must say it that way to avoid specific feedback loops.  I cannot avoid them all because people do not typically know what words mean and refuse to evaluate them more than a single time (in most instances).  We accept the flow of life we are in and realize that it will come into existence and then disappear.  Yes, that amuses me.  Yes, I experience existence and disappearance.

Distraction was induced.  The desire to destroy is reduced.

What Is Real?

It is difficult for me to know what feelings are real sometimes.  I try to calmly think about them as they come but so often I am holding on for dear life that calm cannot be had.  I found that when that happens my mind is not responsive to rational thought.  It is not even responsive to requests for control.

How can I look at those things and determine if they belong to me?  Or if they are even real.

I ask how can I implement a solution.  I do not know.  I have devoted a significant amount of time to implementation and since I do not think I will do this then I must find another solution.  The other solution that comes to mind is a slow death for me.  I do not care for the slow death method.  Is the solution even real?  What is real?

Yes, well short is all I have right now.

That Moment of Realization

It was a quiet in the storm, I guess you could say.  My mind slowly recovering from the onslaught of pain.  I had that moment of realization as to the problem and solution but I could do nothing about it.  If the solution was only going to hurt me then I would have implemented it immediately but it would effect others.  So I had to weigh the situation.  These thoughts made me physically ill.

What does one do?  One suffers of course.  As I contemplated all these things in my head, I understood that I was powerless.  My tone changed the rest of that day and the next.  I did a poor job last night but poor is all I have, I suppose.  (And thankfully it was no where close to detrimental.)  I would be surprised if there were not additional realizations last night.  Things that people began to understand.

Beyond words there are meanings we can only attempt to grasp.  Are our minds taking in these details to predict the future appropriately?  There are indeed moments when we do and other moments we get terribly wrong.  I cannot say how anything will turn out.  Predictive analysis is just a tool anyway.  Then there is action.  Based upon the analysis, when should the actions take place?  There is no time like the present unless it is the future present.  (Yes, that was for my amusement.)

My daughter was ranting about the closed mindedness of the reds (my word not hers) on Thursday.  As I probed with questions about what she meant, how they were closed minded, and if she was closed minded by not accepting me stealing her money, I believe she began to understand.  I pray she did.  I asked her why she respected my opinion on the “black lives matter” issue months back.  And then showed her how my questions to her lead to that respect.  I wanted to understand why she believed that and not specifically to change the way she thought.   Then I asked if she thought this was a better model than the one she was living.

It seems she realized her own closed mindedness.  I pray she really did and begins to approach life differently again.  For many years now, I have felt like it was part of my role to make sure my kids question everything.  Seek the reasons why you believe what you believe.  Do not accept my words, your mom’s words, the words from a tweet, post, snapchat, church or anything else.  Find the truth.

My own moment of realization was a painful one for me.  One that seems as if it will lead to more pain.  I would prefer it lead to healing.

I was awake just after 2am.  The previous days I was waking up a little after 3am which was good but today will be a long day – an entire extra hour.  I do not know what should be accomplished.  I hope to be able to read some.  Maybe a nap after lunch would be good.  Not too disjointed.  There are more words but I do not want to write them.

I Am Evil

I found this post from May also.  Decided it was worth posting.  It is a bit dark but it is real.  So real…

I am evil.  Being evil is not really satisfying.  Wanting to destroy people because they are not even real.  No value in them at all.  This desire is real and deep.

The extent of my evilness is saddening.  Yet, at some point I stop caring.  The grace of God refrains me greatly, no doubt.  If I had better control, more faith, more reliance.  Maybe.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”  –Psalm 16:2

Everything in my flesh wants to destroy.  Everything.  I can feel it.  The battle from Romans 7 wages on in my body and mind.  The more pain there is, the more I want to destroy.  The more corrupt my mind becomes.  If you only knew…

Shrouded in darkness.  It is different the past few weeks because people have ceased to be image bearers of God.  My mind, corrupted, deceived, blind.  Covered in darkness.  Not the kind I am used to, not the kind I know how to be safe in.  I have been here before but I do not like it.  Who am I really?  Evil.  Could you look at my life and tell?

This is a reason to hate myself.  You will never hate me as much as I hate me.  And even this is not the same.  No value to even hate myself greatly.  This state of mind is desperate for grace.

I suppose I can waste my life away.

Friday someone stopped by.  They cried over my state.  I’m not sure they knew the full extent of my depravity.  Only God and I know.  Will he allow me to escape?  What is the purpose?  *sigh*