Loneliness

One of the men I went to Africa with called me.  He wanted to give my number to someone so that I could help them with ongoing computer issues.  He said he wanted to make sure they got someone who would treat them fairly.

Then he said I could not fool him.  The Spirit had showed him the love in my heart.  Behind the exterior he could see it.  I could not argue with him.  What do you say to something like that?  Deny it?  Accept it?  Reject it?  There really is no good answer.

Often times I do not want to have my heart.  I’d rather be a robot.  Then I would not have to worry about being unlovable.

This morning I was in 1 Corinthians 13.  I had read the end of chapter 12 the previous day.  The last verse ends with “And now I will show you a way that is beyond comparison.”  A way beyond comparison.  That way is love.

As an aside, the sermon I preached in Africa was about love.  In matters of the heart you do not send your friend, you go yourself.  This is why God sent Jesus.  He loved us and sent His Son Jesus to die so that we might be reconciled to Him.  Love.  Still meditating on all these things.

Then we read the great love chapter.  The Apostle Paul is not talking about the love of a husband and wife no matter how many times it is read at a wedding.  He is talking about the love of the church.  I am nothing without love.  Mindfully, I am fully cognizant that I am loved in this way.  I think I am loved in this way more than most people.  God has always had a hand on my life, even when I was far away.  After He saved me, He shines His love through me more than I realize or want to accept.  And people are drawn to that.  People love me greatly in that way.

We find out in chapter 13 that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  And we learn a lot more.

Then chapter 14 begins with “Pursue love”.  Again love of the church.  And yet I want it to mean so much more for my life.  I could even convince myself that God was specifically telling me to pursue someone.  Unrequited, no doubt.

So I finished the book, The Path of Loneliness, yesterday.  After accepting loneliness as a gift, you know what we need to do with it?  Give it to God.  I gave it to Him a few times yesterday.  What a relief.  Although, it would return.  I knew it would.  I told Him I would struggle so I needed help giving it to Him again and again.  Elisabeth Elliot used the word oblation.  I had to look that up.  It means “a thing presented or offered to God”.  It is His gift to me and I need to offer it back to Him.

When I first read that in the book, it felt strange.  But everything I have is a gift from God and He doesn’t want part of me, He wants all of me.  I have already given it to Him at least once today.  I imagine it won’t be the last time.

One of the books I have been in the past week or two is 1 John.  This morning after my first study and HEB, I opened up to 1 John again.  I just looked at it.  I have the first few verses marked up pretty good (in a paper Bible).

Not all passages are marked up like this.  This Bible has only been in minor use for a few years.

So I am just looking at the first two pages and I see the words “I am writing” six times.  Then I see the words “I write” five times.  Then I see a variant of “abide” throughout the book.

What am I to do with all these words?  Keep them?  Treasure them?  Toss them?

I associate a lot of scripture with people.  I find myself just wanting to write them notes about this scripture or that one.  It is both a joy and crushing.  I dream of pouring myself out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of “her” faith (the woman God might give me).  It seems empty pouring into the people I pour into.  In my mind I see dozens of men and women.  I know at least some of them feel differently but to me it feels empty more than anything else.

In my recent memory, it is rare that God doesn’t put someone on my mind as I read the scriptures each morning.  I am compelled to email or text them when this occurs.  Even throughout the day.  And even in the realization of this it still feels empty.  Futile.

This past week I was reminded of my year of faithfulness.  How my year of faithfulness had an impact on a young married couple.  It was scripture God used to make the impact.

I am writing.  I write.  There is no telling with God what will happen next.

A few weeks ago I was given a list of questions to answer.  I did not deliberate long on them.  I wanted my answers to be first time answers.

What one thing bothers you the most about the world?

That was the first question.  My answer was “my sin”.  I was the only one in the group with this answer.  It is difficult to look outward because the problems of the world begin inside me.

There are days when my mind is consumed with thoughts, evil thoughts.  This morning as all these evil thoughts are in my mind I silently scream and ask God to take me home.  I will not have these thoughts when I am home.  I tell Him that I cannot defeat these thoughts.  Half the time I do not even want to defeat them.  Or maybe there are no times when I want to defeat them.  I already feel defeated.

His grace keeps me, protects me so often.  One of my big desires, which I have discussed before, is the desire to destroy others.  My mind tells me if I can destroy people then I bring them down to my level or below me.  Yes, I realize this does not make any sense logically but thoughts like these are not logical or rational.  They are raw.

After the thoughts arise, I try to find where they came from.  It is an interesting study in the dynamics of thought patterns.  It has always been a futile endeavor except for knowing that the human heart is deceitful above all things.

Even now as I write this and try to talk to God, the thoughts are trying to consume me.   So easy Paul.  No one would know you let this slip or voiced this idea to cause a cascade effect.  Simple words.  I fear even in attempting to encourage others sometimes that it is done with the idea that it will destroy a third party.  *sigh*

Enoch walked with God and then he disappeared because God took him.  And then he disappeared.  It seems God taking me home is not in His plan for today.

I was filled with great joy earlier this morning when someone told me that they had value.  Those were not the exact words but it was an amazing statement coming out of this person’s mouth.  They do not see their own worth and so they allow themselves to be treated poorly in life.  

I had told this person how much I valued them previously but over the past few months I made extra effort to repeatedly tell them how valuable they were to me.  They would say they understood but I do not think they accepted it.  When they said those words, I made them repeat them for me.  This sort of effort is not easy for me but I knew it would be worth it.  I must keep pushing forward in this area of my life.  Giving people words of affirmation even when I find no value in those words myself.  Strange.

That joy did not last long.  I feel like I crash easier after a joyful feeling.  Yes, I realize that going up on a scale and then falling back to “normal” may feel like a crash but I rarely feel like I fall back to that level.  I feel like I fall below that level.

There is no solution to that.  We cannot stay on peaks forever and valleys are valleys for a reason.

It is so cold that I want gumbo for lunch but I’ll just have a sandwich instead.