Grace

I do not know what the truth is but typically people imagine First Baptist churches in America to be suit and tie churches. First Baptist Nederland has this feeling to me. This feeling has a way of pushing people who are not suit and tie people away.

Several years ago, I was in a Sunday School class at First Baptist Nederland. A couple (Kevin and Rachel) walked in but it was clear they were not First Baptist people. They were wearing nice clothes but they did not really fit the mold of a First Baptist person. Rachel had a star tattoo behind her ear. There were probably other tattoos that they had hidden since they knew they were going to a First Baptist church.

When they walked in, God said to me “Those are your people.” I watched everyone greet this couple. “How are you?” “What is your name?” “Where do you work?” As I watched this, I knew that was not what this couple needed. I kept thinking “Someone talk to them the right way!”. And I kept hearing the words “Those are your people.” in my mind.

I was afraid and so I did not get up and talk to them at the beginning of class. We started class, prayed, and the lesson began. I am sure I paid attention to the lesson on some level. I may have even participated but I kept hearing those words “Those are your people.” So I began preparing myself. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do but I knew God was talking to me and those were my people.

The lesson ended. We prayed again and class was dismissed. I jumped up and walked over to the couple and introduced myself and did the exact same thing everyone else had done – made small talk.

I went home after church that day and cried at my failure. I prayed all week that the couple would return the following Sunday. Yet, I knew they would not return because they were not First Baptist people. I prayed for them for weeks. I pleaded with God to forgive me for not talking to them the right way and to send them back. He never did. It was a painful lesson to learn.

The first night in Niamey, we were taken to a church. Anthony was asked to give the message. We arrived and I just sat there watching them worship our Lord. I was exhausted from traveling and did not understand the words being spoken but I knew the worship was authentic.

I’m not sure when but at some point either during the worship or during Anthony’s message God gave me a message for the church. I sat there a bit confused. I tried to talk myself out of it but I kept remembering other times when I failed to listen to God. Eventually I told myself that I had to say what God wanted me to say. I tapped the pastor on the shoulder. Luckily he spoke some English and I told him I needed to say something to the church when there was time.

He nodded and I waited. Anthony finished. They did a few more things and then he called me up. I was scared but had to do this. I got to the lectern and thanked them for the glimpse of heaven they had given me. I then read Revelation 5:11-12.

Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels in a circle around the throne, as well as the living creatures and the elders. Their number was ten thousand times ten thousand—thousands times thousands—all of whom were singing in a loud voice:

“Worthy is the lamb who was killed
to receive power and wealth
and wisdom and might
and honor and glory and praise!”

I thanked them again for the glimpse of heaven and sat down.

They continued on with announcements and then more worship. Then the worship leader thanked me for my prophetic word. A few minutes later the pastor leaned over and thanked me and told me it was a good prophetic word for the church.

I was exhausted so I wasn’t really thinking at the time but after some reflection I realized that it was a prophetic word for that church. That is interesting because I have never really thought about having prophetic words. For me it wasn’t really about anything other than being obedient. God had given me something to say and I had to say it no matter what. I did not want to fail my Lord as I had in the past.

Grace.  This word is by far the best word in my life.  The kids know what it means to me.

Earlier this week I was in a one-on-one Bible study with someone when grace came up.  I talked about those moments when I have been overwhelmed by His grace.  It leads to a time of worship like no other in my heart.  These are the moments that I wish could be shared with those who do not know His grace.

Then yesterday during men’s group, one of the men said he wasn’t sure he really understood grace.  I am sure he does not understand it.  I suggested that he study grace.  He looked at me and said something like “I wouldn’t normally do that but you said it with such conviction that I will.”

I suggested we study grace in our group.  They said we would start when I get back from Africa so I looked up a few books.  One of the books I found was titled “Charis: God’s Scandalous Grace For Us”.  Ericka saw it and questioned it.  Normally scandalous is used in a negative connotation which threw her off.  But God’s grace for us really is scandalous.  I know I do not deserve it and yet I have it.  It is unbelievable.  It is scandalous.

I didn’t buy the book.  I have to finish one of the books I am already reading.  I am so tired.

I opened up the program where the writings for my book project are located yesterday.  I skimmed several of the chapters I had written.  I remember those stories and the feelings but I realized I was not that person any more.  It was almost surreal.  Almost.

What could have possibly changed me?  The same thing that changes us all – time.  But even deeper than that – grace.

One thing I noticed in the stories was the self-loathing.  I recounted the depth of that hatred.  It was a deep seeded hatred going back decades.  I still have some self-loathing in me (no doubt) but it does not feel so strong.

Does that mean I am close to a breakthrough?  Or did I already breakthrough?  Or does it mean something else?  Or does it mean nothing at all?

Several times over the years I have reread parts of my journals.  Each time I remember seeing the change in me over time.  It was an interesting process but I had only seen the change from a specific point of view.  This was an entirely different point of view – from the negative side.  It has really fascinated me.

The whole of man is defaced. Look at our memory; is it not true that the memory is fallen? I can recollect evil things far better than those which savour of piety. […] For memory graspeth with an iron hand ill things, but the good she holdeth with feeble fingers. –C. H. Spurgeon, The Carnal Mind Enmity Against God

One of my problems is my memory.  Specifically, I hold on the the bad things and never remember the good.  In this instance, however, it seems as if the bad (self-loathing) is being let go of.

Now I wonder what it means for my book project.  Or any of my writing.

I disconnected yesterday.  It actually started Wednesday evening.  I turned off WiFi and the phone.  I spent much of the morning doing different things.  I tried to pray, meditate, read the Bible, and I read a few sermons too.  I ironed my clothes, ate food, and hit one of the trees in the back yard with a machete.  No worries about email or texts.  I turned on the TV mid-afternoon since it will not notify me of any form of human contact.

I turned WiFi and the phone back on this morning.  I did not miss anything.

As I walked the block this morning, I saw people waiting for some stores on Boston Ave to open.  I wonder what sort of “Black Friday” specials they have to create a line at a local shop.  I do not wonder enough to look it up.  I was planning on reading Ephesians since it can be completed while walking the block.  I did not get very far.  I have not been very far in my prayers lately either.  It feels so dark and empty.  The dark cloud lifted to some extent a week ago.  Not enough to begin counting.

How far did I get in Ephesians?  I’m glad you asked.

Ephesians 1:4 – For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love.

I read that over and over.  Stared at it with thoughts and without thoughts.  He chose us.  In Christ.  Before the foundation of the world.

That means he gave me grace with grace.  Yesterday I felt a few moments of grace.  It did not last.  I cannot even feel it this morning.  Looking at the words do not evoke any feelings.  I have not felt alive in an amount of time that seems infinite.  That could very well have been counted from the moment yesterday.  Time feels eternal without grace.  I ask how I could get it back but only God gives us this.  I think I am desperate but I do not even know what that means.

Before the foundation of the world.  Interesting words.  Does he really mean that?  What kind of grace is that?  Is that a grace that can be understood?

I asked myself this morning (and many other days), “why me?”.  There was no good reason to give me grace.  And I squander it constantly.  The time He gives me.  The money He gives me.  Squandered.  I do not know how to stop.  He gives that ability too.

You see that He did this that we may be holy and unblemished.  They tell me His blood covers me.  They tell me His grace is sufficient.  Still I do not feel holy.  But it says “in his sight”, holy and unblemished in his sight.  Not my sight.  Not your sight either.  In his sight.  Can this be true?  The Bible says it is true.  Holy in his sight.  Unblemished in his sight.  And he decided this before the foundation of the world.  He knew I would be one of His elect.  He knew I would fail miserably at serving Him and He still chose me.  Grace.

What is this thing?