I opened up the program where the writings for my book project are located yesterday. I skimmed several of the chapters I had written. I remember those stories and the feelings but I realized I was not that person any more. It was almost surreal. Almost.
What could have possibly changed me? The same thing that changes us all – time. But even deeper than that – grace.
One thing I noticed in the stories was the self-loathing. I recounted the depth of that hatred. It was a deep seeded hatred going back decades. I still have some self-loathing in me (no doubt) but it does not feel so strong.
Does that mean I am close to a breakthrough? Or did I already breakthrough? Or does it mean something else? Or does it mean nothing at all?
Several times over the years I have reread parts of my journals. Each time I remember seeing the change in me over time. It was an interesting process but I had only seen the change from a specific point of view. This was an entirely different point of view – from the negative side. It has really fascinated me.
The whole of man is defaced. Look at our memory; is it not true that the memory is fallen? I can recollect evil things far better than those which savour of piety. […] For memory graspeth with an iron hand ill things, but the good she holdeth with feeble fingers. –C. H. Spurgeon, The Carnal Mind Enmity Against God
One of my problems is my memory. Specifically, I hold on the the bad things and never remember the good. In this instance, however, it seems as if the bad (self-loathing) is being let go of.
Now I wonder what it means for my book project. Or any of my writing.