Any Feeling Will Do

I recently had a long weekend.  I always hope I learn something from weekends like this.  I thought about admitting my addiction with loneliness.  I thought about accepting the fact that I was alone.  I thought about feelings.  There were several pages written in my journal about these things and probably more in my mind.  One of the things I wrote gave me pause.

I know I can feel lonely and I just want to feel.

That week I had received a call from Pat.  We talked for an hour.  Her and her husband were friends with my parents while I was in high school.  The next day Beth called just to find out about me and the kids.  We talked for half an hour.  These two calls were filled with love to me.  I know these two women and it is just who they are in Christ but I could not feel it, could not accept it.

There are so many people who I know love me but receiving it seems nigh impossible.  So when I want to feel something I go to the one thing I know I can feel – loneliness.  I know this may not make sense to anyone in my life but when you want to feel, any feeling will do.  I notice behaviors in my life, actions I take whether consciously or subconsciously, that push people away.  Actions I should apologize for – if only I was sorry.

I am trapped in a cycle.  It seems sad that I can identify this but cannot escape from it.  You may even ask if I want to break free.  Some days the desire to break free is desperate and other days I am fine where I am, trapped.

I did escape that weekend.  I told myself that I would accept that I am alone each day and that it is OK to be alone.  I told myself I would admit that I feed off of loneliness and commit myself to avoiding actions that lead to this.  The next day I wrote some of these things but also wrote – “I must stop this behavior.  I cannot do this on my own.  …  I need Jesus.  Every day.  2 Corinthians 12:7”

This seems like a better course of actions than what I wrote the first day.  I need Jesus.