Another Beginning…

It looks like it has been about two weeks since I wrote here.  I was trying to determine the cause of this failure.

I know, the most recent week, poor sleep has been a factor.  Yesterday the tension, pressure, weight was intense.  I think I nearly passed out when I said the prayer to start a meeting yesterday.  I felt my eyes roll back into my head.  I barely finished it.  I told God I couldn’t get through it without Him.  I had been telling Him that for a few days.  After the prayer, everything got better.

I was able to glean information on the spiritual health of the others in the meeting.  This will help me in the future.  I really need more data but I take what I can get.  Now I have to prepare for the next meeting.  I told Ericka what I expected to happen based upon the words spoken.  The likelihood is high that it will come to pass.  How do I feel about it?  Mixed feelings.

Can I handle it?  By the grace of God, it seems I can do much.  I described my own spiritual health as desperate.  Right now…desperate.  Sadness wants to creep in.  Lack of sleep.  Scripture.  Pain.  Loneliness.  All contributing factors.  3pm and I’ve been up for 12 hours.  All the time…desperate.  I cannot rely on people.  Only God.  God alone can I rely on.  Psalm 118:8 – “It is better to take shelter in the LORD than to trust in people.”  A reason it is lonely.

I select music that will help the sadness along.  Taking me slowly, deeper into it.  I select the music on purpose.  The sadness sought is a past sadness (15-20 years ago) which is better than the current sadness.  Yes, we try to run away from the pain.  Is old pain really better?

My new prayers feel much more powerful.  Praying God’s Word more.  I really think this should be the standard for prayer.  I am confused why it is not taught.  Maybe it is and I don’t know it?

I also need a new system for understanding the Psalms.  How to use them in my daily life, in prayer.  I want to read them more but I feel trapped.  I do not know how else to explain the feeling.  I stare at the page thinking “I can’t read this because today is Psalm 92.”  I do not have that problem all the time.  I have read Jeremiah simultaneously in different translations and different sections and speeds.  Why are the Psalms tripping me up?  Maybe the Psalms are too happy.

Someone called this past week with a computer problem.  So we talked about the Bible for 46 minutes while we waited for the computer to be fixed.  I was encouraging someone with scripture from Job.  I was told this was not encouragement.  I only argued a little bit.

God provides all things.  Even the people, the workers, everything comes from Him.  Colossians 1:15-20