Afternoon Battles

The past week I have had to fight off the loneliness in the afternoons.  It hit me the first few days without notice.  The pull is intense but I refused to submit to it.  Two of those days I ended up on my knees praying.  The other day I just talked to God.

Then Friday it hit me earlier than the previous days.  This incident was triggered by an event that I could not have prevented.  I did not even realize at the time it would trigger my loneliness.  And it might have been a combination of two events but I have yet to determine this specifically.  Regardless it makes sense and I should have been prepared but sometimes my mind is occupied with other ideas.  This preoccupation prevents me from protecting myself.  Protecting myself from these feelings has never been a top priority.   I need to change that.

Sadly I do not really want to devote time protecting myself.  How do I change this behavior?

I read an article a few weeks back that reminded me of a resolution of Jonathan Edwards.  I added it to my daily tasks to read.  That makes three of his resolutions I read daily.

Resolved, whenever my feelings begin to appear in the least out of order, when I am conscious of the least uneasiness within or the least irregularity without, I will then subject myself to the strictest examination.  — Jonathan Edwards

The strictest examination.  Yes, I need strict examination.  Why do I not want to change this behavior?  Because my focus is on me and not bringing glory to God.  My focus is not serving my Lord and enjoying Him and His love but how I can be satisfied in another person.

James 4:3 – you ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, so you can spend it on your passions.